It was still a Good Day...

i woke up early this morning. i sacrificed my sleep in for brisk walk by the beach with zu.

the morning started slow. the sky was dark and promised of rain to come. true enough as we were making our way to the beach it starts to drizzle. as none of us willing to fall sick, we decided to chill out and have breakfast at mcdonald. so much for being all gung ho...lol.

as we waited for the rain to subside, we talk and had couple of good laugh. finally when the sky clears up we make our way down the beach. i believed we walk quite a bit because i can feel my tigh began to ache. it was almost 1pm and we decided to call it quit not wanting to over do ourselves. and for a threat, we went window shopping.. well the mall was just nearby..lol.

while browsing, i *bump* into an old enemy. she looks surprised to see me and quickly turn away, and i leads zu out of the shop. i fear that i might say the wrong thing at the wrong time, i have no desire to be civilised with her nor do i want to fake a friendly smile.

i thought the feeling of hate gone from my heart... but i was wrong as proven today. i can forgive, but i don't forget... well for some.

The Date That Never Was...

plan A - go on date and have a nice time knowing the new guy.

plan B - stay home and regret for the loss chance.

well that pretty much what zu told me to do. now where do i even start....

kr wanted to introduce me to someone she knows from FB. it seems, they already had a conversation about me. when she told me about him, i was quite excited. i don't know much except, he's a divorcee with one kid working in london but hometown in canada. that's pretty much it.. and oh yeah.. he divorce wifey cuz she cheated, ohh and he 6ft 5'. well that part got me smiling ear to ear. hmm and oh yeah, kr emailed me couple of his pics and he's easy on the eye...

when kr brought the idea up to me, she been pretty much the cheerleader ever so enthusiastic to a point of making all sorts of arrangement and telling me what i need to do. when asked, wouldn't it be better if we were to introduce through FB, at least we can gauged and see if we *click*. noooo.. she said, its better if you meet in person and i'm sure both of you well get along, cuz he's the type that works and go home.. ohhh right already.. okkayyyy...

as the day get closer, she kept updating me about him that i became stress and slowly losing interest. especially when she kept insisting how i need to take him out and show him around town and we need to send him off to the airport.. i'm like huhhh.. hmmmphh...

i told her, lets play it by ear. just because you both get along, don't necessary him and i will. perhaps he has some other plan when he's here and like to venture out on his own. but kr insisted he knows no one except her. this is the point were i just decide to shut up and go with the flow.

so tonight (friday) we supposed to meet up for the first time, and guess what... of course plan got screwed up. accordingly he supposed to arrive on thursday noon, but it seem our boy brought too much cash beyond the allowed limit upon entering any country that he was detained on his stopover in the neighbourhood country. he called kr for bailout money, since he has not enough foreign currency. so my dear kr did what she was told and imagine the shocked i had when she told me the amount.

she updates me on his case, saying that they have spoken and the possibility he being send back to uk instead of continuing his journey here. it suddenly hits me, what if this guy is playing my dear kr for a scam, and i even told her that. but she insist his case was genuine cuz she spoke to the detaining officer. so throughout the day, she was so restless at the thought of our dear boy being detained and will only feel relieved once she get news that he's back home safely. now, for her sake i hope dude not scamming for it will be trouble.

something about this whole scenario don't sit well with me. first off, if you're intelligent and *rich* (according to her), why on earth you be strapping with more cash and claimed not to know the rules. i'm sure he's not a virgin traveller....hmmphh.. and for her sake i hope dude pays off..

i love kr like a sistere that i never have, and i know she meant well and i appreciates her thought and effort, but i guess its not meant to be for us to meet. maybe there's a blessing in disguise, as to God's will.

=:0)

ps: just been informed he left for uk...

UPDATE:

it was a scam. but for better news, kr did not transfer any money out and i'm glad to hear that. i guess in all the chaos that was going on thursday, she miss out certain details to me. said she spoke to a friend in kl and was warned not to do so. when i told her that it was a scam for some reason she still seems defensive.. oh well. glad its all over...

A Surprise On Valentine Day..

NO I DID NOT GET BUNCH OF ROSES. NO CARD OR BOX OF CHOCOLATE. AS I RECALLED I DECLARED JIHAD TO CUPID WITH HIS CROSS EYES AND BLUNT ARROWS.

Instead...

on valentine day i attended a wedding. it was my cousin 2nd wedding and she not even hit her 30 just yet. married to a mid 40 ol man, who already been married twice with 3 kids in tow. needless to say, the choice of groom was a surprised to both me and mom.

when i first saw the groom, i was dumb struck (for the lack of better word). there he is on a special day and he looking sloppy with his wiry white/grey hair (that happen to pass his shoulder) all over looking unkempt. dayum dude, can't you even go and have a decent hair cut?!!! i felt like giving him ten bucks and make him run to the nearest barber. shot, gives me a lil bit of hair gel and a comb, let me turn that unruly mess to a nice bun!!

my cousin on other hand, looking pretty like a first time bride. looking at them together, it gives me shivers (not the good kind). i wonder how this love affairs started. where they met. what the hell do they talk about. what do they have in common besides the kids from both their previous marriage. how soon did he propose to her. was she desperate... ok i'm being cruel..

i guess love is truly blind. maybe she is truly happy with him. maybe he's the prince that been missing in her life. or maybe he just the father figure that she needed in her life. who am i to judge and doom on a marriage that is about to begin. but why at the back of my mind, i kept saying.. surely she can do better than this. we all wanted the best for our love one.. don't we? oh gawd.. i'm such a snob.

in this case, first impression matters... in my eyes, he failed. if he can't be bothered to clean up and look halfway decent as a groom, makes me wonder what the future holds. maybe he don't feel the need to impress anyone, since he already found his young bride. maybe the rest of the immediate family don't matter, because he only have eyes and love for her. maybe this being his third marriage, been there done that... heck... he going to come as he is. maybe he just very comfortable being who he is and if he gives me the middle finger for suggesting a haircut.. i don't blame him...oh gawd, i feels another shivers and the hair on my neck.....

there's a saying, if it's meant to be and its fate that leads you to each other, who are we to question the work of God.

i hope he treats her well...

i know the bride's mom is not feeling her new son-in-law.....lol.. cuz all i felt during the ceremony was negative vibe oozing out of her...couple of the family members had to calm her down and gives word of support.

on the way home, mom ask me.. would i 'want' that type of man. i said i rather be the way i am right now....

does that makes me a snob...maybe yeah....

OMG... it just cross my mind... since my cousin address me as 'aunt' (due to family hierarchy (is that the right word?))...... oh dayummmmm he better not address me by that or i'm gonna have a seizure.....lol.

Here We Goes..

how time flies...

that's what we said when it hits december and you starts to reflect on what has taken place for the past 11 months or so.

me, well....

i been through anger, disappointment, health scare, reunited and a certain lost.

i'm not enjoying my work right now. there are days, i don't mind the work but immediate supervisor sucks major. there's certainly some kind of bullshitting going on. i'm about done with office politics. in conclusion, i work to pay bills.

i have a health scare. thank gawd it was nothing serious. doc suspected i might have gall stone and need an operation. after going through all the necessary tests, it seems i'm healthy as a bull. however, something bothers me and when they suggest i go through endoscope i must have turn pale as white sheet.

Me: urhhh doc.. instead of having to put the tube down my throat.. uhh can't we do it.. yanno uhhh.. the other way round.

Doc: the other way round?

Me: yanno.. uhh.. mmm... the.. uhhh (i nearly say ass).. uhh derriere

Doc (smiling): actually it going to hurt more if we go through that option.

(which makes me wonder is he had it done before)

Me: uhh.. i can't do the throat thingy i'm gonna gag and throw up.

Doc: i can understand. i'm worried it would cause a tear along the passage.

Me: mmm.. uhh.. i don't wanna.

Sigh, doc set me up for another appointment in jan 2010. So much for having peace of mind.

I reunited with 2 of my bestfriends from secondary school (high school). Both of them married with kids and they seems happy. Gawd I never realize how much I miss them till we meet up. And yes, I'm jealous that they have family of their own with kids in tow. Me.. everywhere I go, my shadow keeps me company.

I did not travel far this year, due to several reasons. Hopefully I can do so next year. Maybe I visit Mr Tennessee..... nahhhhhhh...

With all the events that have taken place for the past 11 months, I am grateful. Grateful that I have a job, a home, friends that I cared for. Grateful mom around (even when she's being a pain). Grateful for all the material possession that I have. Grateful for the quiet life that I been living lately (sometimes too quiet....lol).

In other word..

Amin ( Amen)


and oh yeah i nearly forget..

i won $260 facial voucher for a contest i can hardly remembers. so yeah.. that is sweet =:O)

another disappointment...

i been holding on to this disappointment feeling since yesterday. i thought i would feel ok and it will just blew away like the wind.

i was so confident that i will get the job through inter-dept transfer because i have the extra skill that i felt the rest is lacking. i been preparing mentally to accept the extra workload, the new responsibility. i was prepared because i was that confident. but i was wrong.

i wonder what i lacked that they felt i would not be a contributor to the dept. sigh. i even psyched myself not to stress about not getting the job. if its meant to be, its meant to be. nonetheless, when i read the email, i felt crushed.

i was so piss yesterday after reading the email. yeah i was piss for a good 30 minutes that the devil in me came out. yeah i was jealous. i had to calm my ass, thank gawd i was attending a whole day course, i don't have to fake happiness. gaaawwwdddddddd am i such a bad person??!!

on the way home, i told myself maybe this is for the better. for we can only plan, its the big guy upstairs that give the final push. i decided that this will be another BLESSING IN DISGUISE. for what we think is good for us, may not be good in his eyes.

with that thought in mind, i breathe, release, let go.

this much i know, i'm a much better worker than one of the *successful* candidates. so be it, it's their lost...

breathe, exhale, breathe, let go...

Wedding Blues..

My little cousin will be married tomorrow. Yes, while his aunt aka MOI... still hanging loose all by herself. Gawd, I'm so not looking forward to attending the wedding this weekend. All dress up, put up a brave smiley face, dealing with folks teasing asking when it's going to be my turn, listening to irritating remarks... ohh you so choosy... maybe if you don't look too hard.. blah blah blah blah blah blahhhhhhhhhhhh. oh the fuckery!!

On top of that, 2 weeks later, I have to attend my oldest and bestfriend's wedding. SIGH...

Church wedding at 10am.....why whyyyyyyyyyy it has to be so early. I need my sleep on the weekend. Now I have to get up early when I don't want too, get all dress up AGAIN and sit by the church pew, watching the ceremony all by myself. Yes, I sound pathetic.. let me whine, let me whineeeeeeeeeee...

Come to think of it, I don't have anything to wear to the wedding... ARGH!!! Yes, all women said that even when they have closet full of clothes, but for some reason you just can't find the ONE to wear for the occasion. Dammit wish I got pay tomorrow, at least I can go shop for a new dress, if I can find one that fits my dam body. It's so freaking hard to find something for me as I'm not the typical skinny and small body type. Dammit I have WAIST AND ASS and nothing fits in the ready made department. ARGH!!!

I told Ade, I won't be attending the wedding lunch. She got all upset and said, "I was going to sit you with his friends and expect you to take care of them." I'm like WHOAH!!! I don't even know who these folks are, what makes you think I'm a social butterfly? Don't you know I'm shy? Of course Ade hmmphh at me, "You shy????!!! Since when?!!!" Oh shit, I really not good at making conversation with total stranger much less having to sit with them throughout the whole meal. ARGH!!!

But I have to go, we been friends since we 18 years old and she will be migrating to Australia and gawd knows when we going to see each other again. I just had to put on my poker face (not really sure what that is), be thick skin (which I'm not good at), put on a brave smile (once again, which I need to start practising smiling in the mirror, I don't want to scare off anybody) and pretend I'm having a dam great time.

I can't tell Ade, the real reason why I don't have the desire to attend the wedding, she won't understand and I don't want to be accused of being selfish. Maybe I am... feeling selfish... sigh. It's funny how we both met our men (well my ex fiance at the time), about the same time, both men having the same name, both of us in love (well I know I was than). I was supposed to be married before she does.... here I am, once again... by myself.. and maybe I resented her a little for her happiness... Gawd I'm an awful friend =:O(

Funny too, how she's the one who always crying on my shoulder over men and was depressed all the time. While me trying to console her, that her time will come, that happiness will be hers....

Here is it, her time and I'm feeling shitty...but I will be attending that wedding even if it's going to hurt inside...

Am I a bad person for feeling the way I do?

He's Alive... He's Alivvvvvvveeee

Hmmm... during lunch yesterday I had a surprised text message from no other than my ex fiance. While waiting for my food to be served, I decided to check on my phone and low and behold there it was. I thought I must be dreaming, pinched myself just to be sure.

*Thanks for the birthday greeting. I hope you're fine. If you need anything let me know. - Mr Lite Skin*

Hmmm.... his birthday was on the 8 May. More than a month later, he finally decided to reply. To be honest, I wasn't expecting any reply AT ALL. Since he was pretty good at ignoring my previous greeting and salutations.

Ice Tea felt that Mr Lite is trying to starts communicating again. Hmm.. I don't know if I agree with him on that. So I decides not to make a big deal out of it. Maybe he finally decided to be polite and civilized by replying. Ice Tea asked if I'm going to reply back. I said yeah.. but not so soon....

Sigh..

On second thought, if I asked him for 2 grands you think he will western union them to me?...lmao.

Life Trials In My ...

Call me crazy...

It's 2.20am Sunday morning, I can't sleep.... guess my imsonia is back. I'm typing in the dark, don't ask me why.. I just do.. well right now that is.

Here's my confession...

I hate ushering 2008, I been feeling funky for almost a week or more and all because I be ushering a new *decade* in my life and I'm not looking forward to it. Yeah .. yeah.. age is nothing but a number... well coming to the cough *4_* cough is scary. Yes, scary I said. I'm not about to reflect on last year but I'm sitting here in the dark, thinking of the whole dam 10 years of my... argghhh 30 era... does that makes sense to you? I'm not even sure if its making sense to me... but than again its 2 am dam in the morning.. nothing makes sense...

Sigh...

I went through a lot in my 30... oh gawd.. there I said it. I lost my dad when I was 32. Suddenly I have to *become* the adult. What I mean by that was... I have to take the role of being the man, the breadwinner, the comforter, the pillar for my mom to lean on. Suddenly I have tonnes of things I need to take care off, decisions to make and the weight was heavy on my shoulder. Being the only child, is not easy. During all this, no one ask me... How I'm Holding Up. They assume that I'm doing just fine, when in reality I was mentally and emotionally exhausted.

Than, I lost my job and it was hardest cuz we just move to a new place. Getting hired was a motherf*cker. I lost my self confidence, lost the ability to provide and starts feeling I'm a failure. It was the scariest moment of my life. Not being a provider and not having anyone to turn too, I was at a lost. We were too proud to ask immediate family for help and we make do with what we have. This goes on for quite a while, the only job I managed to get was tempting for short duration and stretching every dollar that you have to pay bills and put food on the table. The only thing that kept me going was what my parent always reminds me... someone out there in a much worst situation. Not that I'm gloating about them being in the pit, but I guess that helps me to keep going and stop bitching. Yeah I bitch, I cuss, I was angry and when I'm by myself, late at night and I can't sleep... I cried covered by my pillow so mom won't hear me. That was my therapy. I kept telling myself, something better will have to happen. The wheels will turn for the better.

Now, that I finally has a perm job, I decides to treat myself once in a while. Like I said before, I'm tired of paying bills all the time, so I decides to pay me. May it be eating out, buying pair of jean, etc, cuz I deserves it.

There's a lot more I need to write... but its 3am and I need to force myself to sleep or I'm gonna be a real bitch in the morning.



to be continue..

Ba Hum Bug

I wanted to do a post on new year and reflection of the year past, but I just don't feel up for it right now.

Maybe in couple of days, a week, a month later... maybe never...

Too much buzzing in my head, seems like I have too much to confess and write about. I wanna cry, laugh, get mad and cuss out folks... but I just don't feel up for it right now.

What I'm feeling though... is fear of the unknown.

When the Klans Get Together...

I had a long weekend, as we had public holiday on Good Friday (Easter day/weekend). Friday morning starts off with me in a b*tch mode. I was piss as my ol laptop acting up, Mozilla f*cking up and freezing shit as usual. So trying to surf that morning just ain't happening for me.

My aunt called at 9am (wee hour of the morning.. yes to me.. its WEEEEEE HOUR) demanding that we turn up for last minute family dinner. I was so not into it, cuz all I wanted to do was COMATOSE and be a CERTIFIED COUCH POTATO for the day. Hey I have a damn good excuse... I been working long hard hours and I don't feel like socializing at that point and all I wanted to do was curl up with BEN N JERRY.

We left for aunt's place at about 2.30pm and mom wanted to buy fruits... I was like.. OH HELL MOM... can't we just get that near her place... I was already hailing a cab. Guess mom saw the look on my face and hurry herself up. Upon reaching, I realize the fruit seller shop is no longer in business.. oh f*uckery!! Mom gave me one hell of a lecture all the way back to wet market so we can get the damn fruits for my aunt and all we found was bunch of BANANAS!! Yeah by than, I was really in a bloody good mood. The weather was not helping, as I could feel the heat right down to my bone and wishing that I was bald instead of my waist length hair almost pasted to my scalp.

My aunt was busy in the kitchen preparing dinner and guess who helping her out?? MOI!!!! MOI!! MOI!!! Like I'm in the mood to chop damn onions!!! I was cussing under my breath since her daugthers-in-law taking their f*cking time to turn up. So there I was busy chopping onions and tearing up like the stepdaughter in Cinderella, I broke the knife into 2!! Paranoia crept in.. oh damn.. is there going to be bad luck...broken knife...oh shit!!! WELL THE DAMN KNIFE WAS FRAGILE!!.. it was not my fault.. I SWEAR I WASN'T THINKING OF MR HIGH YELLA WHEN I'M CHOPPING THE DAMN ONIONS!!

Well, the rest of the family finally turns up with little rugrats. I ain't seen the latest addition to the family till that night. Baby Ian (proud parent of Emi & Nadia), 2 months old chubby little boy and looking just like my cousin with the family pout...lol. Looking into the baby eyes, makes my heart go badabing badabang. Before I get all teary eyed, I gave Ian back to my aunt, walked towards the balcony and composed myself.

This is why at times, I don't wish to be attending family gatherings. Looking at all the happy couple with their kids, going ohhh ahhhh as the toddlers falling on their padded pamper ass, I longed to be a mommy. I guess that's not what the big guy upstairs have plan for me. My heart aches knowing the possibility of me ever becoming a mom is nil, I will only be Aunt GiGi to all my little cousins. I could only smile, put on a brave front... when HE only knows what I must truly feels.

This is all I am......










Aunt GiGi.

The Mornin' Got Me Cheezin..

Conversation taking place in ladies cubicle....

GiGi: Hey.. have you ever work at ABC Company? Cuz I'm trying to figure out where I seen you before.

Ms Specky: Nah..I been here working here. Is that where you from previously. You remember I told you before you seems familiar. You remind me of my school mate.

GiGi: Yeah I remember you saying something. Which school were you from? I'm from Westlake.

Ms Specky: Ghim Moh Sec (I think that's what she said). You do looks like her. She's older though.. you must be in your twenties right? How ol are you anyway?

GiGi (still in cubicle): Uhh.. wait let me zip up mah pant.. (now out of cubicle).. Girl we probably about the same age. I'm in my late _______.

Ms Specky (yahoo shock face): Nawww.... you can't be. You lying. You don't look your age or act like one. What you do?

GiGi (by now cheezin from ear to ear): Uhh.. maybe cuz I don't act my age....lol. How do you act your age anyway?...lol.

Ms Specky: Maybe its the way you carry yourself.

GiGi: You think so. I never really take note of it. But gurl you make my day!! Bless your heart!! Aight talk to you later.. and thanks.. (still cheezin.. shit I was practically floating on air).

What can I say.. lmao.. heck.... I was smiling till my dam facial hurt. I know she's not lying cuz she seems sincere and she was really taken aback when I told her how old I am.

Heck I aint complaining.. its Monday morning... my day started well with that compliment. Than I get a free lunch on top of that.... shit.....I was just saying my blessing and cheezin...lol.


Work was going rather smoothly, until about 4.30pm... I received a phone call from beyatch.

Beyatch: Hey GiGi, this is Beyatch.

Gigi: Wussup..

Beyatch: Hey, I know you going to be downloading 21 and 22 Feb China logs tomorrow (Tues) right?

GiGi: According to schedule yeah.

Beyatch: Can you download 23 Feb too. See I'm going on vacation thought maybe you could do that.

GiGi (who the fuck you think you are): Mm... listen Beyatch. I don't think I want to do that, since I have additional channels to deal with.

Beyatch: Yeah, but I'm going on leave and I have to blah blah blah

by than I wasn't listening to her no more...

GiGi: Listen, I'm not going to promise you anything ok. We see how it goes.

Now.. WHO THE FUCK YOU THINK YOU ARE TO TELL ME, I NEED EXTRA LOAD OF WORK JUST TO ACCOMMODATE YOUR YELLOW ASS. It ain't my fucking problem that you going on leave... shit.. get someone else to cover your job.. CUZ THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING RIGHT NOW.. COVERING SOMEONE ELSE SHIT WHILE THEY ON VACATION.

Now first of all..... WE YOUR CLIENT.... YOU SERVICE US.. YOU DON'T TELL US WHAT TO DO... WE TELL YOU WHAT NEED TO BE DONE.

Secondly, YOU NOT PAYING MY DAMN SALARY SO DON'T THINK YOU CAN TELL ME WHAT I NEED TO DO... my pasty ass boss will tell me what I need to do... COMPRENDE?

Gawd... I was fuming by than. Here I was rushing to finish up my 3rd logs for the day and this beyatch think she can have her way. HEWL TO THE NAW!!

So, I decided to tell Henchman1, wussup with the phone call.

GiGi: Hey Henchman1, just got a call from Beyatch. She expect me to download extra load for china and I told her I won't be doing that. She going on vacation and want me to accommodate her. Can you deal with her cuz I'm not in the mood for it.

Henchman1: How many china you gotta do tomorrow?

Gigi: 2 china, 2 India.

Henchman1: Nah stick to the schedule we already max out to 2. I talk to her tomorrow.

Yeah while u max out to 2... my ass is up to 3 everyday... now shut the fuck up and deal with her.

GiGi: Exactly!! And thanks. Listen I don't want to impose on you about this, I appreciates your help. I don't want her calling Ms Attitude complaining on me refusing to download the extra log when we already max out.

Henchman1: Yeah... We see what we can do tomorrow.



Hmmm... guess I will find out when I step my ass to work in the morning....but for now.. I'm just delirious someone thinks I'm in my twenties..........whooo hoo!!

Worries

I can't help feeling disheartened right now. I wanted this job so bad for the sake of daily survival in this monetary world than anything else. Sucks not having a permanent job. Reason not to hire you base on your lack of particular language. Yes that shit been going on for far too long only recently the local paper decides to ban job ads that's discriminate. FUCK THAT SHIT CUZ IT LONG OVERDUE!!

Its been hard for the past couple of months. No one knows what I been through mentally and emotionally. Its been draining me out....even physically. Keep telling myself something positive going to be taking place soon... keep my spirit up.... keep my chin up... can't let folks see my weaknesses. Keep telling myself this is part and parcel of life. As the phrase goes... life is like a damn circle, one moment you up... next you down. Well... I'M KISSING THE FUCKING DIRT RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!.......Phew that feels better....lol.

However, deep down inside .... no one knows my fear....

Arggghhh!!!!!!!!!! I hate This!!!!!!!!

The waiting is killing me... arggghhhhh...I hate this!! I hate this shit!!..

Why can't they just give me an answer... I'm a wreck right now.. not knowing if I'm staying for good, for awhile or whatever..

Arrgghhhh.....the suspense is draining my energy. Please God give me the strength to deal with the life challenges that you put me through...

Sigh.. I need a hug.