Quote Of The Day..

God help you if you are an ugly girl,

‘course too pretty is also your doom,

’cause everyone harbors a secret hatred for the prettiest girl in the room.

-Ani Difranco

My Life At A Glance...

Well folks,

I'm back from my 10 days vacation (well 8 to be exact not counting the flight in/out) from Turkey. Landed safely yesterday (Monday 26) at 3.20pm. Good to be home but at the same time wishing I'm still back in Turkey for extended period of time. Guess reality not wanting to go back to work...lol.

How time flies when you're having fun. That pretty much sums up my life from the day I can tell the difference between an apple and pear. My dad thought me how to color my picture books neatly, he thought me how to iron my first shirt and yeah.. he sew my school uniform....lol. Mom was pretty much the disciplinary and dots on my from time to time, but I have always been daddy's girl.

I remembers the day I discover boys...that was the day I tried to be more *girlish* but it was too much of a work for me, so I remained a tomboy till I went to secondary school (high school). I had so much fun in my teens. School was just school to me, I studied but I have always takes it easy.. guess I had it kinda easy with school but not study hard enough (yes, I'm regretting it a lil bit now). Lots of fond memories with my school friends, we hang out, we ate burgers at micky d's with the money we save. But school also a gives me heartache. While my girls have high school sweetheart... I was a loner.

My mom throws me my 21st birthday, much to my dad disagreement (he was very conservative). He don't like the idea of blowing candles as it was too westernize for him. But mom was determined that I have it and for that I'm so thankful to her. We invited my close cousins and some of my friends. I have my cakes, they sang me birthday song but I never blow out the candles, out of respect for my dad even though he was not there during the celebration as he decided to work. When I turn 25, I stayed in my room, it was depressing for me at the idea that a quarter of century in my life has passed. At the time, I have bunch of close girlfriends and they decided I need to get out of my room, have a sleep over and bake me a birthday cake. I had a good time, but the same friends stab me in the back and I have since left all of them behind.

In my twenties, the very first time a man broke my heart, I cried like a baby. I've known him for almost 10years (met during my pre-uni time). He the only local man who knows me like a book. But I can't wait for him to make up his mind who he wants to be with, so I back away from this relationship. I party hard during my 20's and 30's. Hanging out at the local waterhole every Friday night after work but I get home before midnight not wanting to piss my dad off.....lol.

Alcohol was something I discovered I have high tolerance for. Was drinking like a fish during my 32 birthday, long island teas, kamikaze, sex on the beach, b52, some I can't even recalled whats it called, all in one night and still walking straight. No hangover the next day and all I wanted was cup of coffee while the girls was nursing their head with pail by their bed. That's when I know its not a good thing. I have never been a drinker. Only had them when I felt like I needed to fits in, which is hardly often. The realization that I can hold my liquor and walk straight... that's a sign. I stop immediately after that night and had none since.

At the age of 32 is when I lost my dad. It was the hardest period for me. Slowly time heals that pains of missing him. I still miss him though, but I still can't take myself to look at his last pic of him taken when he was doing the Hajj... its too hard for me. During this time of my life, I meet and fell in love twice. First was with Richard, the dutch guy I met through a friend. He was sweet, sensitive and caring. But he was a non believer and there lies the problem. I felt this relationship is not going forward and we goes our separate ways and said goodbye by long distance phone.

While nursing this broken heart I met Icetea. It was a complicated relationship. He was having problem in his relationship and I was just looking for someone to hang out with. He makes me feels like I'm the most beautiful woman in the room. He never talks me down, always uplifting when I feels low and I feels love. The kind of love that I been looking for and craving for my life from a man. I fell in love with him. We fit like gloves and it felt good. Things happen for a reason and unfortunately with him, we decides to end our romance, but we stay friends till now.

Lol, never would have it cross my mind that I will get engaged in my life... till I meet Mark. I did not fall in love with him till much later. I did love him, for all his good and bad, I feel in love with him. It's sad that he doesn't realize it and I don't think he is capable of loving someone. I believe he mistaken his loneliness for loving me, while me.... I loves him as I get to know him better and adjust my life to him. I still send him card on his birthday. Its hard not too when we shared the same month. Why I did it? Cuz in a way I still cares... even when he don't.

Through all my relationship with men, I realize I'm not the one to say the 3 little words. It has always been the men who said I loves you to me first. Sigh...

I gone through a lot in my thirties. Lost my job, lost my way, lost my heart, lost my friends, lost my soul. I remembers when I lost my job, I went home and cried in the bathroom till my dad told my ass to get out from the bathroom....lol. He sat me down and said, "Things happen for a reason. This is not the end. Just take it your time in that company is for what it is and moves on."

Now that I enters my forty, I honestly don't know life any better. I still have my worries, I'm scared of facing this life alone. I don't have the answer to everything and I'm still clueless to some. I know there will be surprises along the way, disappointment, up and down that's the wheel of life. I hope I can cope with all of it much better than I did in my early years. I want to be wiser, but that comes with life experience of which I'm still accumulating, but whatever that I learn along the way, I hope I can apply it wisely to my life.

I'm grateful for the colours that I have added from my childhood till now. I'm grateful for the opportunities that was given. I'm grateful that I'm able to travel and see difference cultures of life besides mine. I'm grateful for all the people that I've meet along the way, may it be good or bad. I hope with this new turn of the decade, I have more good than bad, more happiness than sad but life don't always turns out how we want it. Nonetheless....

I am bless.

Can You Hear Me..

Nothing much happening this week besides work. Uhh.. unless falling on my face and scraping my knees on Thursday at lunch, at a busy bus station considered the highlight... than yeah.. that. That's the second time I managed to tumble for no reason. I know I'm a klutz.. but within 2 weeks of my last fall.. sigh.. makes me wonder if I need to worry...

I'm disappointed since I did not get the call back from the job interview. I really wanted that job, it was perfect for me. Kak Ros tried to console me. She said, perhaps its not meant to be for a reason and take that as a blessing. Sure I'm disappointed that's understood, we only humans. But God knows what best for us, even if we don't understand it.

Yeah, I know... leave it all in God's hand, God willing it will happen, God this, God that. I know, I know. Sigh, even typing that down seems to be wrong. Like I'm questioning His Greatness. Makes me feel like an infidel. I know I'm not supposed to be questioning Him, everything happens for a reason. Does that makes me a bad person, because I have my moment of weakness, confusion and at times doubts... and wonder if He truly there for me? Did he hears my cries, my worries... sigh, I hope He does, cuz I have no one else to turn too but Him.

At times, I asked myself what have I gone wrong for my life to turn out this way. Have I not been a good person.. or tried to be that good person. Have I not done what I'm supposed to do.. or try my damn best. I don't go around hurting people, I been there for most. I never asked for something than what I deserves. I gave love and I get hurt. I gave friendship and I get betrayed. I show kindness and folks being ignorant.

I'm tired...

When We Forget..

This ol laptop is really testing my patience today.... it tested me so much to a point I had to wooosahhhhhh or end up throwing it against the damn wall!! It took an hour for it to start up and don't ask me what is wrong with it, cuz when it comes to techie .. I be the first to admit I'M CLUELESS. I expect sh*t to start up immediately I hit the start button.

However, if I don't have this ol laptop, I could never surf the net, check my email and read other folks blogs...lol. I'm thankful for the fact, Ice Tea came through for me when I truly in needs of computer and I'm too broke to get new one. So, as much as I felt like throwing this ol *Black Beauty* to the damn wall... I had to compose my ass and count my blessing cuz I got BB for free, from a friend who cares for me.

I'm tired of watching the news, that I avoid watching them if I could. But today, I sat and watch the 7pm CNN and the usual middle east issues fill up the whole 30 mins segment. Its depressing me. I see families running around looking for shelters, food, missing families. And something hit me... that could have been me... what if I'm not bornto be who I am right now, to my parent, lived where I live, so on and so forth. If God has different plan for me and I'm one of these victims that I seen and read daily in news.

I felt whatever problem that I have been going through on a daily basis, seems minute compared to what's been going on with people from the middle east, with folks who fighting hunger in Dafur, and chaos and unrest in many parts of the world. I may not be financially sufficient, but I have a shelter that I call my home. I don't have to sleep with my eyes open, wondering if my shelter going to be bomb or attack. I don't go hungry, as there's always food. I felt guilty when I looked at food being wasted. I get upset with kids don't want to eat, like my cousin's son. Sometimes, I just wanna pick that boy up and shake his bony ass and tell him about kids starving to death... and here he is, table full of food and he said, the food ain't good. What the f*ck!! I swear if that was my kid, I would have whip his ass for being ungrateful.

I may not have much, but compared to them.... I have more than I could ask for. My late dad always told me, we may not understand what God have in stored for us and we get frustrated when things get a little hard to deal with. We become temporary blindness, we too consumed with our own problems to look around and see what we already have. We forget to say our blessing... and I am guilty of such. I miss my dad..

I cant think anymore... suddenly I feels tired....

Maybe I will continue with this later...

Blogosphere

Ever since I decided to own a blog, I come across so many others that I kept clicking one link after another and another. Each blog is different and they always seem more interesting and funny or *alive*, as compared to sincerely yours.

Seems like they always have a story to tell, tales to share, opinion to pen down, view that dares you to disagree. Even their daily muse is funny.. makes me feel my post is boring as hell. But than again, I started this blog because I needed a place to vent, rant, scream, cuss, yell, get my angst out of my head. Keeping it all inside is not healthy for the soul. And honestly speaking, I wasn't expecting ANYONE to come across it, since there are millions or perhaps billions of blog out there... but I guess, once in a full blue moon.. perhaps someone will come across mine by chances.

I want to know how folks in relationship can keep all their anger within them and just brush it aside like they're not affected by it. I mean will they have the Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde syndrome.... where one day they just going to explode and you be wondering WTF is that all about? Nah I don't want that kind of relationship, cuz you never knows when that shit going to hit the fan. I'm not saying you need to deal with issues every 24/7, to me personally.... if something irks me about you and it pissing the shit out of me.. yeah... you going to hear it. But most time, I just keep my cool. I rather deal with it, right there and than as calmly as 2 adults could possibly be. Clear it up and move on, rather than keeping it all inside and brewing to a point of exploding.

Mm... I'm getting sidetrack. Anyway, yeah.. that's one of the reason why I started a blog. Another reason, I wanted to pen/type down as much of my childhood memories as I could. I know I wanted to start a different blog in regards to that, but I have yet to get around to it. I want to cherish it and read it back as the days pass me by, the months and years. I want to remember all the good time growing up especially the one I shared with dad. As we get older, memory tend to fade.....

Couple of the blogs I come across are uncensored...well more like sexual. They talk about everything and anything they humanly possibly could do. I don't think I could ever be that vocal or daring in my blog as to tell folks something that I find to be so private and in details. Maybe I'm just old fashion and whatever you do in the boudoirs remain in there, but heck if you going to post it.. I'm sure as hell going to read it.....lmao.... uhh.. just for future tips and reference...hee heee...

I do enjoy reading other folks blog because we all different in our thinking and looking at life from different perspective. We all come from different walks of life with our own story to tell, if we choose to do so. But I know, something that is so private to me is not mean for the public. I do have a private blog for my intimate thoughts, that is not something I choose to share with anyone, because just like this blog, I needed an outlet to release. What I choose to write and post in here.. yeah.. I share it with whomever that come across my blog. It may not be as interesting or intriguing or funny or dramatic, but its mine. An outlet for me to exhale.

I Am Bless

My Sunday starts off really great. Woke up had a light breakfast and ready for my full body massage. Sigh... if only I could do this every single Sunday!! The masseuse did a good job on my body... she kneads like its a damn dough. Every kink and knots and tight ends she loosen it up.. but of cause... no pain no gain...but it felt so good.

I was planning to watch Stomp The Yard, but was too lazy by late noon, instead I took a short nap. At about 7.15pm, there was a commotion behind my apartment. Heard shouting and glass broken, thinking another domestic fight just turn WWF. But suddenly I smelled smoke, like burn rubber. Peeping through my washroom window, I saw gray smoke rising. Run out to my kitchen to have a much better view and true enough, the apartment behind me seems to be on fire. But I don't see any fire except for heavy smoke. Soon enough there was a small crowd gathering on the ground. In about 10 mins the Civil Defence (we don't call them the Fire Dept) and ambulance were parked and getting straight to work. I hope the folks are safe and no serious harm on them, with the exception of a burn apartment.

Talking of accident, lately Indonesia seems to be facing one natural disasters after another. Still recovering from Tsunami, they had earthquake after quake and now the Garuda flight disaster. Life were taken, folks lost their home and nothing left to their name. When the latest earthquake strike Indonesia, I could actually feel the slight tremor at work. Immediately, a thought cross my mind .. Oh Gawd not another earthquake. Couple of the girls at work thought it was funny and giggling. One of them was even stupid enough to comment.. Oh I hope there's another tremor that was fun. I'm like WTF is wrong with this bitch. Someone else misfortune is her idea of fun?!! Can folks be that insensitive? I was mad... really mad.. but I hold my tongue, cuz I know this bitch going to think I'm trippin. I had to walk away from my cubicle and woo sahhhhh shaking my head at the same time.

I wonder if that bitch ever say her blessing for the good life she living. I remembers my dad telling me.. for each misfortune we faced, someone out there in a worst situation. For each good fortune we have, someone out there have it more. He thought me to be thankful, for what little we have. He told me to keep my feet firmly on the ground. My life may not be the way I wish it to be, I may not have everything in life but still I am bless nonetheless, for what I have now. My Mom, my health, my ol IBM laptop and couple of friends that I could count by my right fingers...lol.

I'm thankful.

She's All I Got

Yeah.. I went off in my last post. Gone ballistic and it ain't pretty for me to be cussin like a sailor all tank up (wonder if that's the right phrase... hmm.. oh well).

Was having a really bad jacked up day and all I wanted to do was to vent out my angst. This whole week has been nothing but eff up at work and next week ain't going be no difference. Been working late and I'm so mentally exhausted, I began to hate this mothereffing job!! Came back late, hungry, moody and I swear if someone steps up to me wrong.. I be doing Sheneney... neck be going 360.. eyes wildin, fingers be waving all ovah.... Oh No You Di'nt!!!.....sigh...

On a serious note....

Bless Mom... she greeted me at the door, rubbed my arms and asked if I had dinner. A Kodak moment taken over me and I was glad to be home and seeing her there. She sat with me while I ate and listen to me venting out my frustration. In true fashion of a mother, she advised me to be patience and just do my best, for this is a test. Looking at her face of experience, I was ashamed. Here is a woman, who worked at a factory most of her adult life, woke up at 4am to cook for her husband and child before she went off to work, coming home late noon do house chores and taking care of her family. Here I am, compared to her working life, had it pretty much easy and yet has the audacity to rant.

A thought cross my mind.. she the only blood relation I have left. I can't imagine her not being there...it would be so lonely. As much of a pain in the butt we both can be, she still my mom. Relationship between us has never been a walk at the park. Sure we have our moments, we scream, we yelled, we both ends up crying and not talking to each other for days...but we both knows we have loves for one another.

Loves of a mother never ends, never knows any boundaries and its never ending.

Blog Stalkers?

Hmm...its 11.39pm and here I am snooping around folks blogs see what they up too. There so many blogs website to begin with... one is spoilt for choice. Reason why I end up here.. cuz its one of the major website and thought I give it a run.. along the way if I don't like it, I could always transfer to new website.

Today, I learn there is such a thing as BLOG STALKER, LURKERS, etc. I thought that only happen in real life. According to this particular blogger, blog stalkers and lurkers are folks who kept coming back but don't participate. Which makes me wonder.. am I guilty as such?

Ok I'm guilty of adding blogs that I enjoyed reading on my blogroll, but to me thats a compliment to the author. Your blog been noticed for its humor/ information/ life adventure, etc contents and its on someone blog roll... maybe they find similarity in blog life but not comfortable enough to leave their comments. ... You can't be bitching about strangers putting you on their blog roll since you made it public. Not everyone going to leave comments on your blog.. so what, thats not the end of the world. There bigger problems in life than folks leaving comments. And if you already have a fan base... why bothers and get all uptight with the few who don't comment. Folks just wants to read.. is that so wrong?

Gawd I hope FN don't think I'm a blog stalker cuz I do enjoy reading his posts... I may not understand some of the more *progressive* nonetheless it makes good reading. I came across his blog by accident while surfing AfamReport. Other than fundamental reading... I mean no harm....lol.

I'm not sure how long I'm going to manage this blog, but this much I'm sure... I will add lots more bloggers on my list just becuz I finds them to be interesting and yes I'm nosey......so what.......

Make it private and we won't have problem of you ending up on my blogroll.....lmao

Where Is Justice?

I came across this article while surfing the online news. Needless to say I was horrified and angry as my mind filled with visuals reading the news clip. I'm not turning this post to be a political blog but felt I had to pen this down as I am just disgusted by the chain of event.

The guilty soldier get 100 years for raping a 14yr old girl and killing the rest of her family. However, he is eligible for parole in 10 years (on good behaviour?). Are we surprised how remorsed this bastard is, since he get caught and now full of regrets... BULLSHIT!! I wonder how these rapists sleep at night knowing they done a heinous act. Did they ever wonder.. what if it is their little sister or daughter that being gang rape, than shot to death.

Suffering from stress, fatique and war trauma... is that an excuse to be barbaric? Does that makes it ok to rape and kill than to brush it off like its nothing. I can't even begin to imagine what must have gone through late victim mind... to be forced upon by strange faces and hearing gun shot in the other room, not knowing if she going to come up alive...for this matter... dead.

Being given a 100 years of jail sentence... he got it easy... that's not justice... that just pacifying the media.

My Email To Marie Claire

Kudos to Marie Claire for featuring thought provoking articles. After reading Feb issue Q & A with Ayaan Hirsi Ali, I was a little disappointed. One question that stood out for me *Do you feel certain customs and behavior - arranged marriages, honor killings, etc.* Do I need to highlight that domestic violence occurs in all household of faiths?

Other cultures do practices arrange marriages and not just the Muslim society so on and so forth. Please do not confuse your readers between customs, culture and the practices of the faith itself. The customs and behavior posed by your questionnaire have been practices mostly in the third world countries and rural areas where education and deep seated tradition have been implemented for generations.

Yes, it's unfortunate my Muslim sisters have to live through such conditions but, it does not represent the majority of us that spread across the continents. My parents are conservative while I considered myself to be liberal and yet I have not been coerced to arrange marriage or mental and physical oppression.

Your question leads to a generalization that all Muslim women are helpless living in such state of duress. Ayaan Hirsi opinion does not represent the rest of us who fortunately do not have to go through her misfortune. I do sympathized with her, but at the same time, I felt we were being misrepresented.

That was my email to Marie Claire... below is their reply:

Dear GiGi,

Thank you for reading Marie Claire. It is never our intention to offend and please accept
our apologies. We consider feedback from our readers to be vital to the evolution of Marie
Claire and welcome your comments on any aspect of our pages whether it¹s fashion, beauty,
health, or articles about women's lives. Again, please accept our apologies.

Sincerely,
The Editors

I wasn't expecting any reply but it was nice to know someone makes the effort to do so. I just wanted my voice to be heard, thinking my email will get lost in thousands that they received but as you can see.. they probably have gazillions *editors* to sort the emails out....lol..

Its all good...