Call me crazy...
It's 2.20am Sunday morning, I can't sleep.... guess my imsonia is back. I'm typing in the dark, don't ask me why.. I just do.. well right now that is.
Here's my confession...
I hate ushering 2008, I been feeling funky for almost a week or more and all because I be ushering a new *decade* in my life and I'm not looking forward to it. Yeah .. yeah.. age is nothing but a number... well coming to the cough *4_* cough is scary. Yes, scary I said. I'm not about to reflect on last year but I'm sitting here in the dark, thinking of the whole dam 10 years of my... argghhh 30 era... does that makes sense to you? I'm not even sure if its making sense to me... but than again its 2 am dam in the morning.. nothing makes sense...
Sigh...
I went through a lot in my 30... oh gawd.. there I said it. I lost my dad when I was 32. Suddenly I have to *become* the adult. What I mean by that was... I have to take the role of being the man, the breadwinner, the comforter, the pillar for my mom to lean on. Suddenly I have tonnes of things I need to take care off, decisions to make and the weight was heavy on my shoulder. Being the only child, is not easy. During all this, no one ask me... How I'm Holding Up. They assume that I'm doing just fine, when in reality I was mentally and emotionally exhausted.
Than, I lost my job and it was hardest cuz we just move to a new place. Getting hired was a motherf*cker. I lost my self confidence, lost the ability to provide and starts feeling I'm a failure. It was the scariest moment of my life. Not being a provider and not having anyone to turn too, I was at a lost. We were too proud to ask immediate family for help and we make do with what we have. This goes on for quite a while, the only job I managed to get was tempting for short duration and stretching every dollar that you have to pay bills and put food on the table. The only thing that kept me going was what my parent always reminds me... someone out there in a much worst situation. Not that I'm gloating about them being in the pit, but I guess that helps me to keep going and stop bitching. Yeah I bitch, I cuss, I was angry and when I'm by myself, late at night and I can't sleep... I cried covered by my pillow so mom won't hear me. That was my therapy. I kept telling myself, something better will have to happen. The wheels will turn for the better.
Now, that I finally has a perm job, I decides to treat myself once in a while. Like I said before, I'm tired of paying bills all the time, so I decides to pay me. May it be eating out, buying pair of jean, etc, cuz I deserves it.
There's a lot more I need to write... but its 3am and I need to force myself to sleep or I'm gonna be a real bitch in the morning.
to be continue..
It's 2.20am Sunday morning, I can't sleep.... guess my imsonia is back. I'm typing in the dark, don't ask me why.. I just do.. well right now that is.
Here's my confession...
I hate ushering 2008, I been feeling funky for almost a week or more and all because I be ushering a new *decade* in my life and I'm not looking forward to it. Yeah .. yeah.. age is nothing but a number... well coming to the cough *4_* cough is scary. Yes, scary I said. I'm not about to reflect on last year but I'm sitting here in the dark, thinking of the whole dam 10 years of my... argghhh 30 era... does that makes sense to you? I'm not even sure if its making sense to me... but than again its 2 am dam in the morning.. nothing makes sense...
Sigh...
I went through a lot in my 30... oh gawd.. there I said it. I lost my dad when I was 32. Suddenly I have to *become* the adult. What I mean by that was... I have to take the role of being the man, the breadwinner, the comforter, the pillar for my mom to lean on. Suddenly I have tonnes of things I need to take care off, decisions to make and the weight was heavy on my shoulder. Being the only child, is not easy. During all this, no one ask me... How I'm Holding Up. They assume that I'm doing just fine, when in reality I was mentally and emotionally exhausted.
Than, I lost my job and it was hardest cuz we just move to a new place. Getting hired was a motherf*cker. I lost my self confidence, lost the ability to provide and starts feeling I'm a failure. It was the scariest moment of my life. Not being a provider and not having anyone to turn too, I was at a lost. We were too proud to ask immediate family for help and we make do with what we have. This goes on for quite a while, the only job I managed to get was tempting for short duration and stretching every dollar that you have to pay bills and put food on the table. The only thing that kept me going was what my parent always reminds me... someone out there in a much worst situation. Not that I'm gloating about them being in the pit, but I guess that helps me to keep going and stop bitching. Yeah I bitch, I cuss, I was angry and when I'm by myself, late at night and I can't sleep... I cried covered by my pillow so mom won't hear me. That was my therapy. I kept telling myself, something better will have to happen. The wheels will turn for the better.
Now, that I finally has a perm job, I decides to treat myself once in a while. Like I said before, I'm tired of paying bills all the time, so I decides to pay me. May it be eating out, buying pair of jean, etc, cuz I deserves it.
There's a lot more I need to write... but its 3am and I need to force myself to sleep or I'm gonna be a real bitch in the morning.
to be continue..
7 comments:
well..someone up there does love you. it's gonna be a great 40, dont u worry.
Gostei muito desse post e seu blog é muito interessante, vou passar por aqui sempre =) Depois dá uma passada lá no meu site, que é sobre o CresceNet, espero que goste. O endereço dele é http://www.provedorcrescenet.com . Um abraço.
:(
this is a sad post in some ways but in other ways it sounds hopeful
I'm glad you found ways to express how you were feeling
hang in there
I have nothing to say about anything to do with age
I wouldn't know what to tell you except perhaps you just need some time to get accustomed to it--yes--everybody goes through this--you are only human so it's natural for you to feel this way.
@ ed...ahhh *hugz* thanks babe. sigh..suddenly i feel i'm running out of time...lol.
@ gc
yeah, i needed to let it out. it bugs me like an irritating pest..lol. u noe most folks said.. life starts at cough *4_* cough... liars!! liars!! i said...lol.
Just breathe luv. This IS life.
BTW, pic looks famiiar. Is that from Jilly Hunter (Karmapimpsme?)
Yes, G. That is MY photo.
Gigi or whoever you are, I took that photograph. How DARE you upload it without my permission. How DARE you just swipe images off of my flickr page without my written consent. I suggest you take it down immediately or face the consequences.
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