In Memory Of...

I remembers the day too well... seems like it happen only yesterday.

It was Monday night, I was tired been working late. Took a short rest before I called mom since I have not heard from either of my parent over the weekend. I know dad been feeling under the weather when I last spoke to him. He been coughing and said he was feeling tired and did not do the day rituals but decides to stay in his room instead. I updated him on the progress of the renovation that we are in the midst of moving to a bigger apartment. We chat and he said he will call again on the weekend and we hang up. That conversation took place on Thursday. Weekend pass and no calls from them. I take it they were busy doing their hajj rites and consoled myself they will call late Sunday evening my time.

I managed to get mom on the phone. Time different was about 5 hours ahead where I'm at, it was early morning in Medina. She said she's fine and I asked how's dad holding up, has he been feeling much better. She said, yeah he's resting. She sounded calm and I felt reassured that everything was ok. I did not speak to dad, told her I will call her back the next day. Took a shower, had dinner and did my evening prayer. But the feeling of uneasiness kept tugging inside of me. I don't know what makes me decides to pick up the phone again, only to call the team leader. The lady answered the phone and I asked if my dad is ok, as he was not feeling well the last time I spoke to him.

The conversation took a strange twist when she asked for my aunt's phone number. My alarm went off and I asked why she needs it. The lady avoided my question and insisted upon having it. I told her off and said if it has anything to do with my parent I have the right to know as I am their child. We went back and forth till I lost my temper over the phone and demand she be straight up with me. She passed the phone to my mom.


Mom: Gigi honey... be strong okay and stay calm.

Gigi: Ma.. whats wrong.. tell me.. whats wrong..

Mom: Gigi I want you to be calm and focus..

Gigi: Dammit Ma.. whats wrong tell me!!

Mom: Your dad... he... he..pass on...this morning...

Gigi: NOOOOO!!! Oh Gawd Noooooo.. .Nooo... You lying!!!

Mom: Gigi... stay with me now.. listen to me!! Call your aunt.. call her immediately. I don't want you by yourself tonight....


I did not hear the rest of her words as I lay on the floor wailing. I cried hard and loud for I was in pain at the sudden lost of my dad. I felt my world collided and felt so alone. I was alone. I kept asking why .. why.. she said he was doing fine... why she lied to me. It must be harder for her to see my dad taking his last breath... and she was alone. I cried for both of us... till the tears stop and my throat hurts. Looking at the time, it was almost 2am. I decides to call my aunt... the phone rang for a while. I don't blame them for not wanting to answer it. No good news could come when the phone rang at that hour of the day. Eventually, my nephew answer the phone.

I did not fall asleep till about 6am and I was just in a daze as the news of my dad passing still registering in my brain. I was like a zombie, I lost track of time and the people that came to pay their condolence. I was just glad the rest of the family were there to do all the necessary. All I remembered was me sitting in a corner, kept reading the same passage from the holy scripture to give me some kind of solace.. at times.. I just dazed out...

I kept thinking of the night... mom, dad and me... had a family discussion and he giving his last instruction of what needs to be done.


Dad: Okay.. since I'm going on a long journey... in case anything were to happen, this is what needs to be done...

Gigi: Please stop talking nonsense... you be safe.. don't talk rubbish (I had to look away for some unknown reason, I was tearing up).

Dad: Listen, you never know what could happen. Of course we all want to come back safe but just in case....


I did not take that conversation seriously, even though I hated that conversation taken place. The morning both my parent were to leave for their hajj pilgrimage, we shared a quiet moment. I kiss both my parent hands (to show respect), seek their forgiveness and kiss them both on the cheek. I realized that was the first time I kiss my dad's cheek, since I became a teenager and now a grown woman.

On the way to the airport, he kept telling his friends "Send my regards to so and so in case I don't come back. Take care and by the grace of God.. maybe I see you soon."

I still can't bring myself to see the last pictures he took during the hajj. Maybe I don't want to remember his last moment. Looking as his last picture will only reminds me of his passing and I'm not there by his side. I still can't bring myself to that... my heart aches and I still cried when I miss him, especially on the day of his passing anniversary.

My last visual memory of him was at the airport. I kiss his hand for the last time, wave goodbye to both my parent as they proceeds to check-in. Suddenly he walked back to where me and my cousins were standing and told me to take care of myself. I stood there for the last time and watch both my parent till they were out of my view.

What pains me till now... I never have the chance to say the proper goodbye and hence, I'm still grieving. The last goodbye kiss before...... and therefore I'm still grieving. He was taken away from me, when I'm not by his side and I'm grieving.

Who would have thought, the kiss I give him on his cheek in the privacy of our small unit family of 3.... is the last one from me to him....

He died on 27 March 2000, 7am in Medina to meningitis after being hospitalized for 3 days. His immune system was too weak to fight it. He was 62.

I'm still grieving for him, miss him terribly and I tore up each time I think of him. May his soul rest in peace... always.

Luv you dad...

(my fav pic of him)