My Life At A Glance...

Well folks,

I'm back from my 10 days vacation (well 8 to be exact not counting the flight in/out) from Turkey. Landed safely yesterday (Monday 26) at 3.20pm. Good to be home but at the same time wishing I'm still back in Turkey for extended period of time. Guess reality not wanting to go back to work...lol.

How time flies when you're having fun. That pretty much sums up my life from the day I can tell the difference between an apple and pear. My dad thought me how to color my picture books neatly, he thought me how to iron my first shirt and yeah.. he sew my school uniform....lol. Mom was pretty much the disciplinary and dots on my from time to time, but I have always been daddy's girl.

I remembers the day I discover boys...that was the day I tried to be more *girlish* but it was too much of a work for me, so I remained a tomboy till I went to secondary school (high school). I had so much fun in my teens. School was just school to me, I studied but I have always takes it easy.. guess I had it kinda easy with school but not study hard enough (yes, I'm regretting it a lil bit now). Lots of fond memories with my school friends, we hang out, we ate burgers at micky d's with the money we save. But school also a gives me heartache. While my girls have high school sweetheart... I was a loner.

My mom throws me my 21st birthday, much to my dad disagreement (he was very conservative). He don't like the idea of blowing candles as it was too westernize for him. But mom was determined that I have it and for that I'm so thankful to her. We invited my close cousins and some of my friends. I have my cakes, they sang me birthday song but I never blow out the candles, out of respect for my dad even though he was not there during the celebration as he decided to work. When I turn 25, I stayed in my room, it was depressing for me at the idea that a quarter of century in my life has passed. At the time, I have bunch of close girlfriends and they decided I need to get out of my room, have a sleep over and bake me a birthday cake. I had a good time, but the same friends stab me in the back and I have since left all of them behind.

In my twenties, the very first time a man broke my heart, I cried like a baby. I've known him for almost 10years (met during my pre-uni time). He the only local man who knows me like a book. But I can't wait for him to make up his mind who he wants to be with, so I back away from this relationship. I party hard during my 20's and 30's. Hanging out at the local waterhole every Friday night after work but I get home before midnight not wanting to piss my dad off.....lol.

Alcohol was something I discovered I have high tolerance for. Was drinking like a fish during my 32 birthday, long island teas, kamikaze, sex on the beach, b52, some I can't even recalled whats it called, all in one night and still walking straight. No hangover the next day and all I wanted was cup of coffee while the girls was nursing their head with pail by their bed. That's when I know its not a good thing. I have never been a drinker. Only had them when I felt like I needed to fits in, which is hardly often. The realization that I can hold my liquor and walk straight... that's a sign. I stop immediately after that night and had none since.

At the age of 32 is when I lost my dad. It was the hardest period for me. Slowly time heals that pains of missing him. I still miss him though, but I still can't take myself to look at his last pic of him taken when he was doing the Hajj... its too hard for me. During this time of my life, I meet and fell in love twice. First was with Richard, the dutch guy I met through a friend. He was sweet, sensitive and caring. But he was a non believer and there lies the problem. I felt this relationship is not going forward and we goes our separate ways and said goodbye by long distance phone.

While nursing this broken heart I met Icetea. It was a complicated relationship. He was having problem in his relationship and I was just looking for someone to hang out with. He makes me feels like I'm the most beautiful woman in the room. He never talks me down, always uplifting when I feels low and I feels love. The kind of love that I been looking for and craving for my life from a man. I fell in love with him. We fit like gloves and it felt good. Things happen for a reason and unfortunately with him, we decides to end our romance, but we stay friends till now.

Lol, never would have it cross my mind that I will get engaged in my life... till I meet Mark. I did not fall in love with him till much later. I did love him, for all his good and bad, I feel in love with him. It's sad that he doesn't realize it and I don't think he is capable of loving someone. I believe he mistaken his loneliness for loving me, while me.... I loves him as I get to know him better and adjust my life to him. I still send him card on his birthday. Its hard not too when we shared the same month. Why I did it? Cuz in a way I still cares... even when he don't.

Through all my relationship with men, I realize I'm not the one to say the 3 little words. It has always been the men who said I loves you to me first. Sigh...

I gone through a lot in my thirties. Lost my job, lost my way, lost my heart, lost my friends, lost my soul. I remembers when I lost my job, I went home and cried in the bathroom till my dad told my ass to get out from the bathroom....lol. He sat me down and said, "Things happen for a reason. This is not the end. Just take it your time in that company is for what it is and moves on."

Now that I enters my forty, I honestly don't know life any better. I still have my worries, I'm scared of facing this life alone. I don't have the answer to everything and I'm still clueless to some. I know there will be surprises along the way, disappointment, up and down that's the wheel of life. I hope I can cope with all of it much better than I did in my early years. I want to be wiser, but that comes with life experience of which I'm still accumulating, but whatever that I learn along the way, I hope I can apply it wisely to my life.

I'm grateful for the colours that I have added from my childhood till now. I'm grateful for the opportunities that was given. I'm grateful that I'm able to travel and see difference cultures of life besides mine. I'm grateful for all the people that I've meet along the way, may it be good or bad. I hope with this new turn of the decade, I have more good than bad, more happiness than sad but life don't always turns out how we want it. Nonetheless....

I am bless.