In The Words of Bob Marley....

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement.

They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are.

The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon.

You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”

 ― Bob Marley

last night, it hit hard on me.

it must be all the quiet in the house and too much time on my hand.

either that or

pms was hitting me like the mofo.

but i was feeling really down and alone and just wishing that i have someone to call my own.

How It Aches..

i dreamt about you.

in my dream you sent me a text message on my phone, Help Me, it said.

but i delete it off because i was still hurt by what you did to me, how you have treated me.

i said to myself, why ask me for help?!! you don't need me in your life.. don't you remember that....

than i woke up and my gut feeling telling me you're in town...

you need to be a non-motherfucking-factor in my life.

i'm missing you though.

A stalker in need of help...

i am officially a stalker. an amateur stalker that is.

i been stalking someone profile, gawd i hope it won't show how many time my name appears on his list. i mean no harm, i just love looking at his smile.

each time i login, no matter how many time i browse for others, i end up at his page. something about this particular adam (as in adam and eve) pulls me like a damn magnet. i kept reading his profile write up, wondering how true he is to his words. you know how it goes, they be writing all sweet and shit but when in reality, it be all different. but for now, guess i take his words for it. ahhhhh... i don't know what to do. well actually i did something...

well uhhhh, i did send him a brief message like almost 2 months ago to be exact 12 May. no reply and today, when i check i got the flashing envelope by his name. which indicated it was not read and deleted. i was crush. but..... his profile indicated he has not login for 2 months. soo... i'm thinking perhaps, unanswered messages get deleted automatically after a certain duration. YES I'M CONSOLING myself.

kr said, i should send him another message. maybe something a little bit more *traditional*. but i don't know if i can handle another unanswered auto delete.... sigh.

i'm feel really stupid like a teenager struck by first love. i should be embarrased...

i'm not afraid of being alone.

i just don't like it.

=:O(

Dalam Diamku

Telah ku pilih jalan ini
Meski kini ku sendiri
Renungi erti sepi
Tak lagi ada satu kata
Satu jiwa dalam cinta
Yang ada hanya hampa

Semakin terasa
Semakin berbeda
Sungguh sangat menyeksa

Kata hatiku
Kusimpan dalam diam
Tak perlu ucap lagi

Kau kan mengerti suatu hari
Mengapa harus terjadi
Semakin terasa
Semakin berbeda
Sungguh sangat menyeksa

Sepiku lara
Hatiku hampa
Kerana cinta
Menyeksa di dada

Lelah aku mencari
Ruang cintamu
Untuk cintaku
Bagi cinta ini

Lelah terus berlari
Tanpa bererti
Membelah hati
Terumbang-ambing dalam kebimbangan

Daku terus mencari...
Terumbang-ambing dalam kebimbangan

Yang hilang biarlah menjadi kenangan
Biarkanlah... lepaskanlah...

Telah ku pilih jalan ini
Meski ku sendiri
Renungi erti sepi

(song/lyric siti nurhaliz & kridayanti)

Terasa amat sayu dihati ini, hanya airmata menjadi teman melepaskan perasaan yang terpendam sekian lama.

Something You Crave Alot

i have a long list of *things* that i crave for. but when i think long and hard it leads to 2 things in my life this instance that i felt the craving could never been fulfil or come to fruition.

i'm going to address the first.

i'm craving to be a mother. it breaks my heart when i know deep down, i will never be one and no.... i'm not talking about adopting. i'm talking about the whole nine yard of *creating* with your better half to starts a family. where deep desire of wanting to have a family that it was done with love. when that love (by the will of God) resulted in having that child growth inside of you and feels it first kick... no i never will have that. for nine months where the foetus become a baby and through the birth process... no.. i will never feels that.

each time, when i hears a child calling for his/her mom, my heart ache. these ears will never hear a child cried for me...these arms will never hug a child that is mine. these eyes will never see her own child smiling back. these lips will never kiss the skin of her child.

when i goes window shopping and saw things related to kids, i always wonder if i have a child, which would i buy, will i spoil and let them choose whichever to their heart contents...sigh. friends always said.. ohh gigi you so lucky you don't have to deal with the kids, blah blah blah... but they don't realize how lucky they are. me i just smile and laugh it off, when deep down inside it felt like my heart is being pierce with needles..

i know i've written about this before and it gets harder when mother's day is around. i'm simply stating to the craving that will not be fulfilled.

Me..

i never said it out loud to anyone before... well not one that i can remember (ohhh shitay..is this the sign of .. uhh nevermind).

i have a problem of letting go.... my anger.

when i'm upset with someone i cares to the core.. yeah i said it.. to the core.. its hard for me to let go of my pissy mode. i want to air it out, but at most time it could be misunderstood and both parties become defensive. in the moment of heat (well not the other kind of heat.. hee hee) my mouth goes in auto gear and my brain follow suits 3seconds later. than i get all hussy and goes cold turkey on them. even after couple of days has pass by, the scene will get all played out in brain. i get to a point where i be having mental conversation of what i wanted to say to the other party, rolling in my head like a dam script.

there's only one person that understand my *tantrum* and have stood by me through all my ups and down, for that i'm truly greatful for. when he told me i need to chill the hell out, i better listen..lol.

as i grow older, this is the part where i'm not getting any wiser. i'm trying. i really am...

May...

i hated the month of may. not because it reminds me i'm turning a year older (goodness how time flies). simply because of mother's day.

as the impending weekend of the commercialized mother's day approaching, all form of media reminds you of where you came from, deep inside of me, i feel sadness and emptiness.

i become restless, envious, jealousy slowly creeping up, as i look around me surrounded by women and their children. it remind me of what i never will be. A MOTHER.

there are times i have to look away from the lovely face of a baby sitting next to me in the bus, praying that the lil one goes to sleep, so he/she don't have the urge to make cute little noises, or their fat little fingers trying to reach out to me, wanting to touch out of curiosity. i had to look away, because it's causing a lump in my throat and my eyes start to waters. so i shut my eyes and pretends to sleep.

i get mad and upset when i read the papers, how the unwanted babies were left next to the garbage bin or even killed. precious life being treated like a rag doll.

as for me and mom we have a complicated relationship, between liking and not liking each other that much.....lol. however, i'm sure i'm not alone in this.

to all the mothers out there and the future mothers..... have a great mother's day.

Letting Go..

sometime in life we have to let go of things...

right now, i have to let go of people. people that at one point are close to me and means something for we shared moment of happiness/sadness/stupidity .. etc.

its hard... i'm hoping that we could still try and amend the wrong we did. the strain and slow death of friendship is not worth hanging on too.

i don't want it if its only one side clapping. i'm slowly letting go of this toxic friends that at one point in my life i called family.

i can't help but feel such sadness in my heart.

=:O(

Another hallmark day...

its 1248am sunday as i'm writing this post.

its mother's day and everywhere you see there's a reminder to every child much pain and labor your momma had to endure just to give you life.

sigh.

am i a bad daughter because i stop buying her gift on mother's day. instead i gave her money. it don't cause me any headache, stress and the *OH WHY YOU WASTING ON BUYING ME STUFF. DON'T KNOW WHEN I'M GONNA USE THIS* remarks each time. so to stop myself from getting piss and felt as my *gift* is not appreciated, i took the easy way out and give her mulla. she can choose what she gonna do with it. it's practical, she has a little bit more and i be broke but we both be happy.

i hardly bring my mom out for mother's day celebration, as every family with mother will be doing the exact same thing. i'm just trying to avoid the crowd, bad service and less appetizing food. well except for last year when i took her to a swanky lunch at 5 star hotel. even than i was disappointed after it cost me an arm and leg, the dam hotel can't even gift a stock of rose or any kind of token to the mothers. so i vow not to bring her there for any commercialized occasion.

today, we had lunch at my cousin's place and they (bless their hearts) decides to throw a surprise mother's day gifts to both my aunt and mom. now, they have individual cupcakes and perfumes. now me, i came empty handed unprepared and yes, pretend like its no big deal. but it makes me feel like an inconsiderate idiot, while cousin was busy distributing the gift around. you see, i have plan.. yes to give mom money on mother's day on sunday itself. but now, i felt like i have to come better after all the *excitement*. on the ride home, i slip my aunt a small token for mother's day cuz i felt embarrassed.

sigh.

but what really bothers me about mother's day is the fact, that i am not one. it saddens me. i smile and laugh but inside is a longing that i know will never be fulfilled.

throughout my adult life, i realize i've never be the first to confess being in love with a man till he said it first. i will than re-evaluate how i feels about him. is my feeling towards him genuine or am i saying it because i'm afraid to be alone. if i don't say it, will he gets upset and accused me of leading him on....

when i finally do said i'm in love, why does it never leads to happy ever ending. where did i go wrong. getting broken-hearted is no fun. i grieved, get angry and at times denial. but after a period, slowly my heart heals until the next one comes along and said that magic words that makes a woman heart flutters and warm sensation runs through her body. i be on guard, an invisible wall will rise for i'm not sure if he really do loves me. how can someone said he loves me and than changes his mind. i don't take falling in love lightly. it takes a lot of work, emotion, patience, understanding and acceptance. maybe that's why i've never said i love you.... cuz i'm afraid i get hurt all over again.

my cousin sent me this quote:

'God determines who walks into your life.

It is up to you to decide who you
let walk away,

who you let stay, and who you
refuse to let go.'

something to remember by...

8 January..

I'm remembering the first time you thought me how to color the *right* way, within the supposedly picture and not all over the color book. I remember how you took my hand and patiently guide it with smooth glide as the color comes alive and the apple look green like it supposed to. I was only 6, my hand so small, kept warm in your big palm, it felt good. We both smile when we finished coloring our first picture.

I'm remembering the first book that you bought for me, a hard cover Nancy Drew which I still kept till now. Never do I want to part with it. I remembers the time we were out for a walk and we came across a local bookstore MPH, at Stamford Road. It was a huge book store and I literally beg you to go in and you said I could only get 1 book. I never know than that money was tight but you still let me wander in and bought me Little Women, which unfortunately for some reason I can't remember, I seem to have lost the book. Thanks to you, I love reading and it became an addiction.

There's too many fond memories that you bring in my life dad, I miss you and I'm sorry I did not write to you on your birthday... but I never forgets.

Love always,
your daughter...

Looking Back..

Looking back in 2008, I have been blessed. I have a job, roof over my head, food on the table, clothes on my back, mom's health been maintaining, I'm healthy (well I like to think so), I went to Turkey on my birthday. I'm able to spend time with my families. Lost couple of friends, while maintaining close ones.

No one is without problems, debts, daily issues to deal with. We all have our share of trouble times and misgivings. We dealt with them in best way we know how and at our own capacity.

What else can I ask for, maybe .....

love.

My Wish..

As we usher in the new year, I hope and pray that we become a better person with compassion in our heart, understanding of others suffering and love for others.

Oh well, i will try...

and please God give us peace on this earth, i know you hear me...

and to everyone else, may you be bless with good fortune, love and happiness.

There Will Be No Forgiving

i have the sudden anger in me. i felt betrayed by someone i have given my trust and friendship. someone who i at one point i consider part of my family. i can't even type her name out for fear that i start cussing it out.

don't ask me why today of all day this anger starts mounting up. maybe because its her birthday and yet i texted her and wish happy birthday and many more to come. but no reply came from her. maybe she just dismiss it. maybe she changed her number. maybe because of that, the anger that i have so long push aside, rise in me like the waves of the ocean. maybe because she lied to me. maybe because i felt she stole from me. maybe because she have not been honest with me. but whatever it is, it seems clear now that she trying to avoid me and pretend whatever has taken place, never taken place before. i'm upset and angry. i'm upset to a point i start tearing up writing this. i don't want to waste this tears on someone like her, but yet, i can't stop it from streaming down my face.

i thought i dealt with this silently, internally, trying to be the *bigger* person and forgiving. but i'm not going to lie. i can't forgive her, not now, not ever. it hurts too much right now. i want to be the adult, but how can i be when i'm feeling all this anger towards her. i'm sitting here remembering friends that comes and goes, but i can't fathom why this incident hurt me more than others. you the wise one.. tell me..

in all my anger, i hope she be miserable for a long time and get the same treatment as how she has treated me. i doubt she thinks about what she done, she go on with her life, no guilt, no remorse, non whatsoever. i know its wrong to feel this way, but excuse me while i'm venting out. i needed to let this out its been festering inside of me for too long. i don't want to be this unkind because i know i'm not. but i just can't find in me to forgive her for not taking responsibility on her part. i admit my stupidity at trusting her but if only she had been honest with me, which i felt she has not. that's why i find its hard for me to forgive, forget, to let go. for she don't' deserve it...she lied, stole and betrayed.

i'm sorry, please don't think bad of me, i had to let it out cuz its killing me inside and i know you understand.... or maybe not.

to err is human to forgive is divine? ahhh fu*k that.

Wedding Blues..

My little cousin will be married tomorrow. Yes, while his aunt aka MOI... still hanging loose all by herself. Gawd, I'm so not looking forward to attending the wedding this weekend. All dress up, put up a brave smiley face, dealing with folks teasing asking when it's going to be my turn, listening to irritating remarks... ohh you so choosy... maybe if you don't look too hard.. blah blah blah blah blah blahhhhhhhhhhhh. oh the fuckery!!

On top of that, 2 weeks later, I have to attend my oldest and bestfriend's wedding. SIGH...

Church wedding at 10am.....why whyyyyyyyyyy it has to be so early. I need my sleep on the weekend. Now I have to get up early when I don't want too, get all dress up AGAIN and sit by the church pew, watching the ceremony all by myself. Yes, I sound pathetic.. let me whine, let me whineeeeeeeeeee...

Come to think of it, I don't have anything to wear to the wedding... ARGH!!! Yes, all women said that even when they have closet full of clothes, but for some reason you just can't find the ONE to wear for the occasion. Dammit wish I got pay tomorrow, at least I can go shop for a new dress, if I can find one that fits my dam body. It's so freaking hard to find something for me as I'm not the typical skinny and small body type. Dammit I have WAIST AND ASS and nothing fits in the ready made department. ARGH!!!

I told Ade, I won't be attending the wedding lunch. She got all upset and said, "I was going to sit you with his friends and expect you to take care of them." I'm like WHOAH!!! I don't even know who these folks are, what makes you think I'm a social butterfly? Don't you know I'm shy? Of course Ade hmmphh at me, "You shy????!!! Since when?!!!" Oh shit, I really not good at making conversation with total stranger much less having to sit with them throughout the whole meal. ARGH!!!

But I have to go, we been friends since we 18 years old and she will be migrating to Australia and gawd knows when we going to see each other again. I just had to put on my poker face (not really sure what that is), be thick skin (which I'm not good at), put on a brave smile (once again, which I need to start practising smiling in the mirror, I don't want to scare off anybody) and pretend I'm having a dam great time.

I can't tell Ade, the real reason why I don't have the desire to attend the wedding, she won't understand and I don't want to be accused of being selfish. Maybe I am... feeling selfish... sigh. It's funny how we both met our men (well my ex fiance at the time), about the same time, both men having the same name, both of us in love (well I know I was than). I was supposed to be married before she does.... here I am, once again... by myself.. and maybe I resented her a little for her happiness... Gawd I'm an awful friend =:O(

Funny too, how she's the one who always crying on my shoulder over men and was depressed all the time. While me trying to console her, that her time will come, that happiness will be hers....

Here is it, her time and I'm feeling shitty...but I will be attending that wedding even if it's going to hurt inside...

Am I a bad person for feeling the way I do?

Feeling All .. Uhh..

Why am I feeling like a freaking 16 year old very high schools having a dam crush??!! For pete sake I'm a grown azz woman.. yes.. W.O.M.A.N.... but.. sigh.. is it wrong for a grown azz woman to have a crush...lmao. Shoots.. I don't care what yall think... shoot... I like the feeling....lol... all giggly and smiling for no reason... let me enjoy this brief moment for yall know crush don't last...lol. So in the meantime, I'm gonna smile all stupid.. cuz I wanna.

Yes, I'm having a crush.. on an Irish man....for the love of gawd.. of all folks... I.R.I.S.H. Uh well ok.. American Irish. Shoots.. crush knows no boundaries, it has no line of separation... on second thoughts shouldn't that applies on love too? Who to says, you have to love someone from the same race, culture and background. Ok I admit, it ain't going to be easy... gawd knows I.BEEN.THERE.

I used to think, that its a NO NO falling in love with someone out of your race, but I look around and starts thinking.. who to say being married to someone of the same race, ethnic.. going to guarantee you total happiness. Yes that applies to being married to anybody.. I guess what I'm saying is.. why limit your option when you don't have too.

Oh well, I'm not holding my breathe for anything to happen... I'm just having a crush and it felt good.

Childish perhaps...

BUT.I.DON'T.GIVE.A.SHIT.RIGHT.NOW.

An Old Friend

I just finish writing an email to an old friend of mine. A friend whom I considered to be my closest friend. One whom I trust with all my secrets, my good and bad, my weaknesses and my strength. I cares for this person like I cares for my mom... deeply.

Lately, I felt alone in this friendship. I feels we growing apart, maybe because of the geographical difference we in, but that never stops us from being closed. So I decided to write this friend a letter, letting this old friend of mine knows how I feels. It saddens me for the old friend that I thought I knew, is slowly turning to be an acquintance.

I miss my old friend, I hope this person knows just how much.

It Still Hurts

I was clearing up my paper mess, you know.... old bills, letters, reminders blah blah blah and I never realized how much mess I accumulated till today. I still have a another piles to go through but lost the momentum.

Hidden under all the papers, I came across a valentine card from him, dated 2006. Its a simple card, pink in color with flower imprint on the cover and the wording For My Fiancee. I've forgotten that I ever have this card. For some reason it feels heavy in my hand, like all the disappointment, the hurt all weigh on that one card.

I opened to read the card and there, written in his awkward handwriting All My Love Until Forever, Love Mr Liteskin.

How can a man declared his love only to hurt the person they claimed to be in love and have no conscience at all. Like its just business...

I put the card back into the envelope. I can't seems to bring myself to tear it pieces.

sing luther........sing...