Welcome 2 My Daily (well almost) Ranting

Finally...

2011-11-30T20:15:00.001+08:00

on the eve of thanksgiving, i finally said my goodbye to icetea.

it's not easy, it was never easy, but it was necessary. after all that was said and done, after all of the years of up and down that we both went through, after all the tears of joy and happiness, the love and respect that i've shown and given to him, i don't deserve being disrespect by his very action. it hurts.

i wrote him an email, said my piece, wish him luck and happiness. told him god bless and GOOD BYE. press send and pray hard that i won't received any reply from him, for i have no desire to read its content.

i'm totally done.

Argghhhhh.... i dig a hole

2011-10-26T18:06:00.003+08:00

i've work in a rather big dept. clearing your annual leaves is always an issue among all of us. sometimes it can get pretty nasty and folks start having back talks. we have to give 6 months in advance our plan leave and even than, it's not a confirmation that you get the date you *applied* for. especially when there's more than 1 person blocking for the same date.

this year i've noticed that 2 of my colleagues *partner* up to block dates for their annual leave. at first i thought maybe i was being paranoid. but than, the same name appears on some other dates... and i'm like hmmm.... see their plan is, if these 2 mofos block on 24 Dec, no one will applied for that date cuz there's already 2 person applying for it. however, as the date get nearer, one of them convenient drop their plan, so the other partner could go ahead. now i kept my mouth shut cuz i don't want to start no shit.

well, guess i'm not the only one as couple of others noticed what these 2 mofos up to. i finally lost my cool (cuz he was trying to act all kind and shit by giving up his leave for me) and i sarcastically mentioned to him that i'm aware of their *partnering* and now both of them giving me the cold shoulder. well i don't give a shit n a bucket. screw them both!!

i dig deeper hole by questioning my boss about his leave. you see, if you going to tell me, we as a staff can't do this or that, now why the hell you turn around and screw your own do's and don't and did it anyway??? of course i'm going to question you because i want to know why *the rules* not applicable to you. now on this particular incident, glad to know that my friend have my back cuz while my boss end up telling his sob story to her, she turn around and turn the table on him. (not sure if this makes any sense to you). anyway, she told him, what the dept wants is transparency, you can't turn around and bend your own rules and expect the staff to accept without any valid explanation. however, i did apologise to him saying it was not my intention to question him, but for my own better understanding of how things work. i felt a leader have to lead by good examples only than the rest of the crews will follow....

oh well that's just my opinion anyway and yeah, the bosses always get to screw you....

Games Anonymous...

2011-10-16T23:57:00.000+08:00

i have a new addictions. one that leaves me captivated for hours almost on a daily basis. an escape from my own reality. i stares, fascinated at what i could *create*, steal, shot, discovered, gain info and goes.. ohhhh at the end result.

hi my name is gigi and i'm addicted to facebook games =:O(

1. mall worlds

2. fashion designers

3. coco girls

4. it girls

5. avenger of indiana jones

6. crime worlds

7. csi: crime city

8. are you smarter than a 5th grader

this is the result of not having a husband and child to look after. lmao!!

oh well i'm enjoying and it lets me escape and release my stress away.

i miss l.a.

2011-10-08T00:21:00.002+08:00

pasadena civic auditorium. after watching x-factor and salivating over leroy bell (well that is a fine looking 59yr ol MAN) bring back memories of good time that i had while i was engaged to mark. i remembered the very first time i set foot in la, i was excited but pretend like it's no big deal. i have to admit what excites me most was the fact, it was only 5mins walking distance from where mark's was living.

i used to spend my time, just walking around the civic area, the DWS store, the rows of eateries, the malls but my all time favourite has to be Ross and Target. well, what can i say, i'm a woman on a tight budget...lol. we actually attend the BET comedy award show held at the auditorium and seeing shemar moore up close...uhh hmmm... *fan*

one thing i realize, i get lots of stares when i'm there. maybe they can't make up their mind what nationality i am. no one mistaken me for chinese...lol.

sigh.. i'm just writing randomly due to feeling nostalgia. all i can say, i've been lucky and bless even when happiness was not within my reach, but still i'm grateful for the happiness i had than.

In The Words of Bob Marley....

2011-09-19T20:36:00.000+08:00

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement.

They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are.

The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon.

You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”

― Bob Marley

Uhhh F&$*#@ this!!

2011-08-14T22:55:00.003+08:00

i just block tacicia.. i don't know who that person is and why she following me =:O(

now, i need to stop spending. i really do. i lost my mind and bought 3 perfumes, 6 maxi dresses online, juice beauty serum and apple green peel and assortments of cookies for the coming celebration end of august. yes, i'm spending money like nobody business.

just when i thought i could breathe and treat myself to luxury, media have been delivering the depressing news on world economy. sigh, can't a girl get a break here!!!!

i been thinking of giving up on finding love online........ yes i said love.. not husband. i'm tired and i'm done and i'm losing all hopes. i will die a lonely woman with no cat to alert the neighbour. i can't find anyone that gives my heart a lil jump start, well except for mr puckerlicious and blueluvray69.

men.....uhh.. what's that? my memory about to erase them...slowwwleeeee....

UPDATE: Stalker Mode on the go...

2011-07-28T11:06:00.004+08:00

Update (aug 2):

my stalking spell is winding down. considering that we both on different timezone and communication seems to be a hindrance (to him), i let him decides if he still wish to communicate with moi. i'm not chasing for it. if it meant to be, it will.....

have not heard from him than.... but its all good. at least i take my chances. =;O)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

so you have been looking for me online huh....

i been cheezin, smiling from ear to ear eversince i read your email this morning. brief as it may be your reply, but its enough to makes me smile.

yeah, mr puckerlicious lips i see yaa...uh huhh

On Stalker Mode...

2011-07-25T22:26:00.003+08:00

do you remember me mentioning i have a crush on a certain member, where i began to have the sign of a stalker? yeah that dude whose smile makes me going back to his profile for like numerous time that i'm sure by the time IF HE DECIDES to log in he gonna block me for real. well... i decide to gives up on him. its not healthy for me...lol.

nahhhhhhhh....

i found me a new chap to stalk. yeah i'm a sucker for a guy with contagious smile and lawddd trust me this one has smile that will melt the ice and soup cooler to warm you up.. hee hee. so.. my stalking tendency goes over drive and i decide to drop him an email complimenting his pic (i'm praying hard it's the real deal, i mean his pic that is). nothing too off the wall, just a generic hello nice smile have a great day kinda brief email. not even a hope to hear from you. i figures, if he going to reply great.. if not.. oh well, i was sincere with my compliment.

well oh well.. guess what.. yeah i'm cheezin right now cuz dude replied and ask how i'm doing and said, he doesn't want me to think i was being ignored....... SUUUUWEEEEETTTTT!!

ok ok, i know.. he probably just being polite and such, but hey... its all good on my end. yeah i reply back.. thought i wanna play it cool.. you know like wait till thursday to reply him. you know act all nonchalant like i have too many things to do but check emails. but shit, i could drop dead tomorrow and he thought I WAS IGNORING HIM. so.. i wrote back.

now its the waiting time...

I Got Me A Medal... hee hee...

2011-07-24T14:49:00.004+08:00

the alarm went off at 530am. i drag my sleepy self out of bed, took a shower, did the morning prayer, get dress and out the door by 6am. with no breakfast. i was in a rush to be there by 645am i don't even have time for a toast.

hail a cab, paid $14 drop me off at meeting point while i wait for zu. while waiting, i can see the crowd of ladies in all shapes and sizes, off different races and nationality comes together, slowly marching in from all corners in the official blue top, looking like sea of smurfettes. it didn't cross my mind to snap pics, guess i was nervous and excited at the same time anticipating the brisk walk, praying i make it final point.

we finally set off at 730am, while most of the runners took off jogging, i walk at my own phase trying to get the rhythm. all i wanted to do was complete this race. as we approached the 500m of the finishing point, both zu and myself start to jog slowly. as we pass the finishing mark we give each other high five and smiling like we just won the new york marathon race..lol.

it was a great morning, as i get to reconnect with old friends and saying hello to new ones. than we all make our way to have a big breakfast at the local cafe and just chill out and having a good laugh.

shape run 5km in 48min.... i can't ask for anything better...

Who R U?

2011-07-22T20:52:00.004+08:00

the elevator door open, i look up and immediately i saw you. or should i say we saw each other at the very same moment. i think i have a smile or i think it was a smile. you know the kind of smile like you have a secret but you not telling yet. well i hope it was a smile cuz i'm damn sure i could feel both end of my lips went up slightly. our eyes lock but i quickly look away. i'm not use to looking at strange man directly. hmmm especially if he looks like you... yeah i look at them on the sly.. hee hee.

i can tell that you're tall by the way you were seated. sitting straight, reading the paper. your white shirt still looking kinda crisp...dam did you starched it? white shirt, blue jean and that buzz military hairdo.....gawd my mind was having nasty thoughts. i do a quick all over, trying not to be so obvious. hmmm.. wondering if i can wash lingerie on your ab.. ok snap out of it!!

as i step out to the lobby, we both look away. but i know you were checking me out... how do i know that..

cuz you look up when i walk pass you.

dammit, of all day i'm in my sloppiest friday moment. double dammit!! should have worn my new maxi dress. maybe he would remember me as that lady in the blue dress....

sigh.. if only. but hey... at least i was brave enough to look him in the face, even if its for the briefest moment.

yeah i'm shy like that.... lol.

wonder if i will see him again...

The Queen is back with a bump...

2011-07-20T22:18:00.004+08:00

i had a scare.

mom came back from visiting grandad only to be told that she fell and hit her head hard. the initial bump was huge (according to my aunts), but subsides a little couple of days later. however, when she came back yesterday, the bump has is still there. its been 4 days since that incident.

i took her to see the doctor in the morning. it took us almost 2.5hrs of waiting time (since we went to general public instead of private) for a less than 15min consultation. we than proceed to the hospital for further check up. i decides mom should have xtray and brain scan to eliminate any worries like internal bleeding or hairline fracture.

while waiting for all this to go through, all i could think about was her health. it was a blessing when the results show that mom is well. guess her skull is in good shape...lol. doctor said, the bump will remain till about 2 weeks or so as it wont subside that quickly. mom need to do a follow up in 2 days time. if she has any symtom of throwing up, visual impairment, headache, etc she needs to check-in asap. i'm praying that won't happens.

i'm just counting my blessing and grateful to God, for i was full of worries but trying hard not to show mom. but i know she was scared cuz she refuse to have lunch till everything is over with. i know mom.. she loves food too much to pass it.

i'm glad she's home =:O)

2011-07-17T15:15:00.002+08:00

last night, it hit hard on me.

it must be all the quiet in the house and too much time on my hand.

either that or

pms was hitting me like the mofo.

but i was feeling really down and alone and just wishing that i have someone to call my own.

Keep Walking...

2011-07-13T21:44:00.002+08:00

tonight i decide to brisk walk alone. usually i have my *walking* buddy with me but i just don't feel like having company and making polite conversation.

however, the sudden urge to brisk walk could also due to my burger king lunch and the fact i'm participating in a 5km shape run next sunday. i needed to prep as i don't wish to get too comfy on the day itself and not able to cope.

it was a good walk as i add an extra 1km to the usual route. i was perspiring even before i hit the pavement. now, i'm feeling kinda achy, hopefully it won't affect my flow tomorrow. as a treat, i had pan fried salmon and crush ice, top with red peanuts and syrups as desert. yes, it defeats the purpose having that desert, but i needed MOTIVATION... lol.

mom is out of town for about 5 days, and i'm already missing her. i hope she have a great time meeting up with my grandad. i'm kinda piss as i can't go since everything was plan at last minutes. i'm sure i be hearing lots of story when she returns.

now, i have to think of what for dinner tomorrow =:O(

Sigh..

2011-07-08T22:10:00.005+08:00

i found some folks at FB are rude. yeah plain rude.

why is it so difficult for folks to leave you a message as part of an intro of who you are.. you understand me?

here an example:

hi gigi, its me lala. we were in high school together and i just found you on FB. hope we can get reconnected again.

NOW HOW HARD IS THAT?!!!!

but noooooooooo, they just add you and expect you to remember who the hell there are. and when i do leave them a message for clarification...ohhhh guess what.....NO REPLY.

what ever happen to simple basic manners??? have we gone so techie everything within the fingertips that manners just went out the fucking window.

and oh yeahhh... IT DON'T TAKE YOU 3 DAYS, a week, break your precious fingernails or NEVER to reply a message left in your inbox (same goes for text messages).

and oh yeahh... if you going to add someone, but never bothers to say hello during the long duration of your stay, WHY THE FUCK BOTHERS??!! yes i understand some of them have 4,000 friends listed (yes numbers exaggerated so its hard to keep tract). so yeah.. i'm gonna do house cleaning. i may left with 2 friends on my list, less nosey folks.

now.. am i asking too much here folks?

jeezzzzz...

Life is FUCKING Great!!

2011-07-07T10:15:00.004+08:00

that's the exact word i said in my dream!!

it was the weirdest dream i ever had last night. i was taking a ride in an old car with two other friends and we were yakking throughout the drive.

i alighted from the car, ask this white dude why the hell he is bored and make my merry way to meet up with friends for dinner.

i was singing out loud and swinging my hand to Man Down by Rihanna when suddenly i just said out lout.. LIFE IS FUCKING GREAT!!

as i make my merry way to meet with friends, i saw a girl that looks just like me, only she a shade darker and was wearing a red headband with bow on her head.

when i reach my friend's dinner table i tol them i just met my twin!! we waited for the rest of to turn up while food is being served. i have no idea what happen next cuz Kanye was singing .. uhh that's my wake up call.

but i know one thing.. i sure as hell was happy in that dream.

someone told me, from now on.. whenever i felt down and out, just sing out RUM PUM PUM PUM MAYNNNEEEE DOWWNNNNNNNNN and i will remember my dream.

i need more of such dreams.. lol.

How It Aches..

2011-06-27T22:03:00.005+08:00

i dreamt about you.

in my dream you sent me a text message on my phone, Help Me, it said.

but i delete it off because i was still hurt by what you did to me, how you have treated me.

i said to myself, why ask me for help?!! you don't need me in your life.. don't you remember that....

than i woke up and my gut feeling telling me you're in town...

you need to be a non-motherfucking-factor in my life.

i'm missing you though.

It was still a Good Day...

2011-06-25T21:33:00.003+08:00

i woke up early this morning. i sacrificed my sleep in for brisk walk by the beach with zu.

the morning started slow. the sky was dark and promised of rain to come. true enough as we were making our way to the beach it starts to drizzle. as none of us willing to fall sick, we decided to chill out and have breakfast at mcdonald. so much for being all gung ho...lol.

as we waited for the rain to subside, we talk and had couple of good laugh. finally when the sky clears up we make our way down the beach. i believed we walk quite a bit because i can feel my tigh began to ache. it was almost 1pm and we decided to call it quit not wanting to over do ourselves. and for a threat, we went window shopping.. well the mall was just nearby..lol.

while browsing, i *bump* into an old enemy. she looks surprised to see me and quickly turn away, and i leads zu out of the shop. i fear that i might say the wrong thing at the wrong time, i have no desire to be civilised with her nor do i want to fake a friendly smile.

i thought the feeling of hate gone from my heart... but i was wrong as proven today. i can forgive, but i don't forget... well for some.

Wha a fee-lingggg...

2011-06-24T21:55:00.004+08:00

it's 915pm, friday night, i'm all sweaty, tshirt stick to my skin. i'm feeling all hot and funky. BUT IT FELT GOOD!!

i just came back from doing my night brisk walk. after a month of hiatus, tonight me and my walker buddy walked about 4 to 5km. than we do a quick tone up at the park and boy i have not sweated bucket this much for ages. well ok maybe last week when i did my impact day, only because i was cycling 10km and weather was killing me.

i'm trying to get motivated again. something has to change in me. i have too. i have to be more positive even if it mean being positive all by myself....lol. cuz I MATTERS.

i realized i have been more active this year. i pick up walking as part of exercised. i joined 4km community chest walk. i cycled 10km and later end of july i be doing my 5km Shape 2011 run (well it will be brisk walk for me). i'm trying to start slow. i never good at jogging but hey we all have to start somewhere.

all i need is to stay motivated.

A stalker in need of help...

2011-06-23T20:14:00.003+08:00

i am officially a stalker. an amateur stalker that is.

i been stalking someone profile, gawd i hope it won't show how many time my name appears on his list. i mean no harm, i just love looking at his smile.

each time i login, no matter how many time i browse for others, i end up at his page. something about this particular adam (as in adam and eve) pulls me like a damn magnet. i kept reading his profile write up, wondering how true he is to his words. you know how it goes, they be writing all sweet and shit but when in reality, it be all different. but for now, guess i take his words for it. ahhhhh... i don't know what to do. well actually i did something...

well uhhhh, i did send him a brief message like almost 2 months ago to be exact 12 May. no reply and today, when i check i got the flashing envelope by his name. which indicated it was not read and deleted. i was crush. but..... his profile indicated he has not login for 2 months. soo... i'm thinking perhaps, unanswered messages get deleted automatically after a certain duration. YES I'M CONSOLING myself.

kr said, i should send him another message. maybe something a little bit more *traditional*. but i don't know if i can handle another unanswered auto delete.... sigh.

i'm feel really stupid like a teenager struck by first love. i should be embarrased...

2011-06-20T14:35:00.001+08:00

i'm not afraid of being alone.

i just don't like it.

=:O(

I finally...

2011-06-19T21:32:00.004+08:00

i was enjoying the wedding ceremony, surrounded by family members and friends. meeting up with old friends from the neighbourhood. for once, i don't feel the rush to head home... i was just chilling.

somehow, someone managed to ruin my moment of bliss. an old neighbour, came to say bye and without fail the same old question of soo when you getting married leaves her mouth. i just smile, but when she kept asking repeatedly like a broken record to my mom and me, i lost my cool. i finally ask her, don't you have any other question to ask besides when i get married. why is it any concern of yours?!!! i can hear the hardness in my voice cuz i was about to cuss her from her to enternity. its like falling on deaf ear. mom already answered her by jokingly said.. ohh you know whenever. yet, she kept asking and asking and i finally lost it!! she has the nerves to reply ohh i'm just feeling bad for your mom. oh gawd if my cousin have not hold my hand, i swear, it would have landed on her face. it doesn't help that i was pmsing and dealing with cramps... so yeah that bitch just asking for it.

what erks me was the fact some folks have no tact. you're an invited guest, have a little respect for the host and the family (which is me). if you have nothing to say besides the normal courtesy greeting than shut the fuck up and move along. its my personal life, my mom happiness is non of your fucking concern.

some folks may not understand why i'm sensitive about it, but when its the same person who ask the same question each single time you meet, yeah.. it struck my nerves.

This should have rated...

2011-06-17T23:21:00.008+08:00

oh mahhhhhhhhhhh gawwdddddddddddddd my kittykat, punani, vajajay which ever way you called and name it, it's hurting right now. and it all started by me trying to do good deeds for the day.

IMPACT DAY. that's what its called where once a year we try to make a difference. this year i decide to do water, keeping the water clean, learning about the eco system, etc. so i'm part of the cycling group... yeah BIG MISTAKE. i should have considered the fact that i have not ride a bicycle for almost 15years. but hey i was confident.. you know how the phrase goes, something about riding a bike (okay i admit i can't remember the exact phrase, but i know its out there.)

well i thought i chose a good bike, sturdy, seems like it can handle my weight. i was a little nervous about riding it and was kinda going ziggy zaggy couple of mins. 5 mins into it, my uhh sisterhood felt like it being split into two, it get so intimate with the seat that it gives me the kind of aching where usually it be the good kind of aching (if you know what i mean). but making love to that bicycle seat, oh my gawd.. i was in pain cuz the seat was too small for my big hips. i kept readjusting my butt trying to find comfort but each time i did that i lost control of the bike till i fell off my bike cuz i ran into a wall.. yes you can laugh.. go ahead, cuz i fell off that bike like a ripe fruit from a tree!! to make matters worst right there in the business district!! hee hee. sure i got a few scrap and bruise but hey part of the job right...

i was sweating buckets, the sun was hard, my hand start to ache, my leg was exhausted and all i did was collect rubbish 1 small bag full...lol. but hey.. i'm proud to say.. i biked 10km!! yes in all my pain and feeling funky, i'm the last person to dock my bike at the meeting point..lmao. nonetheless i have a great day. it was fun, i learn something new, i provide laughter to my friend who kept laughing at me cuz she thought i was crazy riding my bike all over the trail.

when i reach home, i swallow 2 painkillers to numb the ache. hopefully i feel better tomorrow cuz i have wedding to attend to and walking around leg gaping, like i just dismount the wildest beast from the west... is so not glamorous.

oh yeah.. for the first time in my life.. i had me a VEGAN BURGER.. i have to say.. it don't taste that bad... but its too costly for my wallet.

i still love me some meat...

Uhh... hmmm..

2011-06-12T13:02:00.003+08:00

last night, i met up with an old friend for movie and dinner. she consumed with work and family life that meeting up with her is scarce, when the opportunity comes around i go for it. not seeing her for the past 6 months, i have to say i'm quite surprised by some of the changes in her.

she seems more bold, has no problem saying NO, unlike before. no more *let me think about it*. i like the new her. but this new her also learn how to cuss uhh more openly, unlike before she can't even say fuck. she said its due to the new job and responsibility. hmm..ok, whatever rocks her boat and makes her day...lol.

while catching up, i told her i know she has a fb account but i want to know why she won't add me. she claimed she don't add no one she knows and that include family and friends. its her alter ego fb. i asked her to explain the need for an alter ego. she said, her alter ego, she married to her online gamer hubby, who she has mentioned to me before. she said, he's good to her. been there for her all these months. no sugar coating from him. she likes the idea of not having to deal with men offline, her *marriage* life online is all that she needs.

to be honest, i'm still bit confuse by the need of an alter ego (hope i spell that right). why do folks feel the need to be or act as someone else. do they feel the need to pretend or hide something. as a friend i try to understand and support her in whatever her choice be...however, something just kept nagging at me i can't let it loose... sigh.

i wonder if i feel any different if i do have an alter ego...maybe i be more uhhh loose, well mentally perhaps...lol.

Yes I Can...Yes I Can!!!

2011-06-10T22:14:00.003+08:00

well.. i am proud to announce that i... yes me.. the one and only person who at one time, gasped at the idea of signing up to any kind of outdoor sport activities. but its a brand new day, hopefully a brand new me.. cuz i just sign up for the Shape Run 2011.

i sign up for the 5km run, well uhh i'm not running but more brisk walking. well its a start right?!! so i'm all pumped up high as a kite, like kids hyper on sweets. the only problem i have issue is the registration fee of S$55 (about US$44) and only online registration, which sucks for some who don't own a card. no doubt the goodies bag will be good, but that's not the reason why i sign on. to be honest, i have always wanted to do this, but i hate doing it by myself. so yeah i'm freaking excited cuz i'm doing with my best friend.

i was so excited that i decide to brisk walk my way home from the mrt station in my maxi dress, my sandal and box of muffin. i was so pumped that it took me only ten min from my usual 15min. folks must be wondering where the fire at... but uhh yeah the bitch payback was i could feel my thigh aching since i did not warm up.

i have about one month to prepare my mind and body for the brisk walk. so, i'm going to do my best and start on my evening walk again. yes, i been lazy and losing motivation to do so that mom began to take pot short at me.. yes, she can be mean..lol.

well i'm crossing my fingers and stroking my determination...

yes i can!!

now where that muffins at....

Back to Reality...

2011-06-04T12:26:00.004+08:00

sigh...

vacation time is almost over. back to work on monday and i am so not looking forward to whats waiting for me back at the office.

i'm not happy with my big boss, cuz i felt she was being petty. but than again, she the boss so pretty much entitled to being an ____________.

anyway, i had the most relaxing holiday. all i did was sleep, eat, shop and lazed around the beach. i don't even bother with going sight seeing to the tourist spots, as i have already done all that on my first visit to bali eons ago. well, we did stop by the batik making outlet as it was on our way to spa treatment.

overall, the spa treatment was a little bit different from what i'm used too. first i was told to lie down on the *sun* bed, which basically looks like a big wooden table. after which, she placed an ambiance sound right next to the bed and i could feel a subtle vibration throughout. i guess perhaps it was supposed to wake up my senses. after 5mins, i was than lead to a cozy *room* and the masseuse began to loosen up all my knots. by the end of the treatment, she placed a *bowl* on my waist, my shoulder and head and slowly tap to produce sound and vibration.

it was rather exhilarating.

it was hard leaving bali on our last day. i was taking my own sweet time walking towards the custom checkpoint back at the airport. if only i can stay by the beach for another week or so...

One more day...

2011-05-28T20:23:00.002+08:00

well not counting saturday that is...

i be on my way to bali for a 4 days, 3 night chill out with my ex colleague (first time we going together). i have yet to pack... shots i have not even go through my lists. i can't decide what to wear.. hmmm should i go for bit of glam or casual with just tshirts, which could be kinda boring. maybe i just pack both and see how my mood goes.

it takes about a month for us to plan this short getaway. fickle minded that we are, we can't decide where to stay... so many places to choose from. i end up asking friends for recommendation (eventhough i been to bali 3 times...well so long ago). originally we wanted to stay at the O-CE-N BALI, but i felt no point paying so much when we not going to be staying in the room all day. we finally decide to save some money and stay at KINDS VILLA.

i have the tendency to overpack and my worst fear is forgetting things. that's why i have a list..well more like a mental list about now. my flight on monday at 945am, air asia (first time taking budget airline). i been told to prepare myself as the leg space is very narrow. guess i can put up with it since its less than 3hrs flight.

i'm not taking mom with me as i really need MY TIME. last year trip to langkawi resulted in me not having any space for myself and was feeling a lil bit frustrated by it.

so... i'm excited over this trip. i hope the weather holds, i get to take great pictures, eat good food, shop for something that i love and who knows what else ....

May 22

2011-05-22T21:31:00.005+08:00

for some unknown reason i was wide awake at 5am... that hardly happens, cuz i'm not a morning person.. uhhh nayy vuhhhhhh.

maybe i was excited at the thought of participating in the charity walk @ marina bay sand, i was afraid i might miss my alarm clock and therefore my body was on auto mode. feeling restless i finally get off my butt around 515am, iron my bermuda (mom have a fits if i walkout in shorts), took my shower, did my prayer and dash out of the house like my pant on fire, as it turns out i'm about to be late. it doesn't help that the dam train decide to be late.

thank gawd, ina has enough sense to ques in the registration line while waiting for us. after paying S$10, we hang around and decides to munch on marble cake and isotonic drink to give us a little bit of energy since we all step out of the house early hour of the morning on an empty stomach.

the walk took off at 8am and surrounded by more than 5000 folks. the initial start was kind of slow but as folks start to phase out there was enough room for everyone. 4km walk was easy for me, now if you ask me to jog.. hmmm i might need a medic at the 1km point..nah more like the 500 meter point..lets not kid myself now...lol

the weather was good as we completed the walk. the tiring part was queuing up to collect the goodie bag which i felt they should have done a better job of distributing.

this is the best birthday after so many years of blah. i spend time with my best friends from school days. not forgetting all the best wishes from friends and of course the presents.. hee hee.

best of all... kiss from mom on my birthday. =:O)

ps: i shouldn't feel disappointed because he didn't call. but i do...

Saturday..

2011-05-21T22:30:00.002+08:00

for the first time in my adult life.... i went and have my hair colored and highlighted professionally and yes, i found it to be a bit on the costly side but i'm happy with the result. even though i was expecting the color to be lighter but no regrets. i was contemplating on chosing dark mahagony with red stripe...lmao. but the hairdresser wins me over. i'm waiting for mom to make some kind of comment, she only noticed that my hair was nicely *comb*...lol, but not so much the colored.

than, my friends gave me vouchers as a birthday present and i decided to splurge it on FIT FLOP sandals. i been eyeing it for quite a while but never get around to buying it as it was way too expensive for my taste. i mean seriously S$169 for pair of slippers.. come on sonn!! bless my friends for the vouchers and i just top it up to pay the balance.

so today i splurge, forgetting that i will be going to bali next week and i need money for food and entertainment. hmmm.... oh well pay day around the corner.

i'm looking forward to my beach break of 4 days and 3 nights. i hope the weather holds and i'm praying my uhh... aunt flow be here soon enough so i don't have to deal with it when i'm on vacay.

well in 1hr and 30mins i'm turning a year older but none the wiser..... hee hee.

hello.. hellooo

2011-05-11T15:51:00.002+08:00

am i the only person, who finds it absolutely rude when you leave someone text messages or drop them an email, private message and there will be no response in return?

i'm not asking too much am i? if you busy, just replied.. hey sorry kinda busy i get back to you soon. and i'm good. i won't be sitting around wondering if they received it. and if they did not, perhaps something happen to them. than you end up sending another message asking if they received the first one in the first place. argghhhh...

but you know what i hate most. is when you send them message and they replied 2 weeks later and you wondering like.. ok what the heck he/she replying too cuz by than you have already dismiss it.

arghhh...i swear some folks have no basic manners.

Finally... to the Flyer we go..

2011-04-23T13:00:00.005+08:00

its friday and my mom finally steps her foot inside the flyer capsule only to have her seated most of the ride....lol. said she was feeling a bit giddy but i think its because she was holding back hunger as we were planning to go for high tea after the ride.

the ride was ok, i'm just glad it was not raining and the view was clear that you can see much of the surrounding and wonders at all the new development surrounding the marina area. i can't wait for the new botanical garden as i'm sure it be grand. my aunt hopefully enjoyed the ride too as this is her first time riding it.

we than proceed to royal scott to meet up with 2 of my aunt's daughters in law. we been planning this since last month as it was a long weekend and we are inbound, we decide to have the ladies high tea.

it's funny when we realised all of us been on a *diet* in the morning so we could enjoy the food more during tea...lol. guess we must be really hungry cuz none of us remembers to take pictures to commemorate the day. well hopefully there will be another time.

by 7.30pm we were all exhausted from eating and window shopping. as i head home with mom, i'm happy that the day was spend with the folks i love.....

its been good...

It's Hard Being A....

2011-04-16T22:45:00.004+08:00

am i the only one feels its hard being a woman? i mean seriously.. everyday i'm being bombarded with media madness, from magazines, tv, radio, internet, women on the street...

the quest to be FAIR SKIN to a point of looking like a ghost. shit even a corpse has more color. the fairer you're the more beautiful you supposed to be. there are so many whitening product out there that you can loss your senses. every time i step into a pharmacy, i will be approached by high strung promoters, when all i needed to buy was box of tampon. shit we all can't be white and on that note, i have no desire to be looking like the underside of a fish. yeah kiss my all time tan ass.

oh i was at the pharmacy today and one of them actually told me i should buy a particular lotion that will *brightened* my nipples (yes, she was whispering to me and i'm sure she meant aureole) to pink. i'm like uhh why do i need that for.. and ever so confident, she said.. cuz it looks pretty. i asked her, how do you know if i don't have pink nipples, have you seen it? with that i walk away...

the quest to be SKINNY. everyday when i open up the paper i see weight loss promotions. 10 session for $388.. hmmm very tempting but you know once you step into that hell saloon, you end up paying 1grand more and none the skinnier. i was at the traffic light waiting for it to turn green when a fitness promoter approached me and pass me a pamphlet. if looks can kill she be dead on the spot. shit, i marched my 85kg ass to burger king and have me a king's meal.

just the other day, my colleague told me she bought one of those magic lotion where you simply applied to the problem area consistently and by miracle you will loose couple of inch by end month (i'm sure the direction include not eating.. grrr). now she only 24 yrs old, weight about 50kg, when i asked her why she bought it, she simply point to her tummy (which was non existent from where i'm standing) and said.. I have fats. i have to walk away for fear of strangling her fragile neck.

it doesn't help at work i'm seated with clustered of women who whines about weight on a daily routine when the only fat is probably in their head. i imagine tying them up to a pole and feeding till they put on an extra 30kg and i let them loose... sigh.

i'm at an age where losing weight is not easy (and yes, i know exercise helps, trust me.. i'm getting there.. slowly). but i never considered myself to be fat, but when i'm being surrounded by these women, i can't help but resents them. i can't escape they EVERYWHERE!!!

gawddd i'm thinking of donuts with mint latte right now... (yeah i'm piss today).

The Date That Never Was...

2011-04-08T22:17:00.006+08:00

plan A - go on date and have a nice time knowing the new guy.

plan B - stay home and regret for the loss chance.

well that pretty much what zu told me to do. now where do i even start....

kr wanted to introduce me to someone she knows from FB. it seems, they already had a conversation about me. when she told me about him, i was quite excited. i don't know much except, he's a divorcee with one kid working in london but hometown in canada. that's pretty much it.. and oh yeah.. he divorce wifey cuz she cheated, ohh and he 6ft 5'. well that part got me smiling ear to ear. hmm and oh yeah, kr emailed me couple of his pics and he's easy on the eye...

when kr brought the idea up to me, she been pretty much the cheerleader ever so enthusiastic to a point of making all sorts of arrangement and telling me what i need to do. when asked, wouldn't it be better if we were to introduce through FB, at least we can gauged and see if we *click*. noooo.. she said, its better if you meet in person and i'm sure both of you well get along, cuz he's the type that works and go home.. ohhh right already.. okkayyyy...

as the day get closer, she kept updating me about him that i became stress and slowly losing interest. especially when she kept insisting how i need to take him out and show him around town and we need to send him off to the airport.. i'm like huhhh.. hmmmphh...

i told her, lets play it by ear. just because you both get along, don't necessary him and i will. perhaps he has some other plan when he's here and like to venture out on his own. but kr insisted he knows no one except her. this is the point were i just decide to shut up and go with the flow.

so tonight (friday) we supposed to meet up for the first time, and guess what... of course plan got screwed up. accordingly he supposed to arrive on thursday noon, but it seem our boy brought too much cash beyond the allowed limit upon entering any country that he was detained on his stopover in the neighbourhood country. he called kr for bailout money, since he has not enough foreign currency. so my dear kr did what she was told and imagine the shocked i had when she told me the amount.

she updates me on his case, saying that they have spoken and the possibility he being send back to uk instead of continuing his journey here. it suddenly hits me, what if this guy is playing my dear kr for a scam, and i even told her that. but she insist his case was genuine cuz she spoke to the detaining officer. so throughout the day, she was so restless at the thought of our dear boy being detained and will only feel relieved once she get news that he's back home safely. now, for her sake i hope dude not scamming for it will be trouble.

something about this whole scenario don't sit well with me. first off, if you're intelligent and *rich* (according to her), why on earth you be strapping with more cash and claimed not to know the rules. i'm sure he's not a virgin traveller....hmmphh.. and for her sake i hope dude pays off..

i love kr like a sistere that i never have, and i know she meant well and i appreciates her thought and effort, but i guess its not meant to be for us to meet. maybe there's a blessing in disguise, as to God's will.

=:0)

ps: just been informed he left for uk...

UPDATE:

it was a scam. but for better news, kr did not transfer any money out and i'm glad to hear that. i guess in all the chaos that was going on thursday, she miss out certain details to me. said she spoke to a friend in kl and was warned not to do so. when i told her that it was a scam for some reason she still seems defensive.. oh well. glad its all over...

Office Blues...

2011-04-03T14:37:00.002+08:00

i'm having issues with one particular human being at work. i get all stress out dealing with this beeyatch... yes i feel like calling her names cuz i'm so done with her but i still need to keep my cool.

my boss even told me, if this how she wants to play her game, i have to play too. but that's not how i am at work. i don't like office politics, i don't like to play games, i don't like to email every tom, dick and harry every opportunities i got so that i will look good, like i'm on point, like i'm on the ball. if i spot something is not right or something is being overlook i will casually let you know, because i regard you as a friend colleague. because its not an issue that needs to be attend by other folks when it just a small issue that can be dealt with by 2 working adults, amicably. emailing back and forth over issues that is insignificant only caused a hostile working environment and that's what i was avoiding and yes i told my boss that too. he understood and agrees with me. he said it's hard working with folks who don't know how to give and take and only wants thing done their way.

maybe i'm naive in dealing with this beeyatch. throughout my working history, i have always avoided hostile working environment, i deal with the issue one on one and find an amicable agreement and working arrangement. but i guess, looking good with the boss is all that matters when dealing with her...

help me, before i snap and called her a BITCH right to her face...

Duck Ride ...

2011-03-28T23:56:00.004+08:00

today was the ladies day out. i decided to treat mom and aunt for a ride on the spore flyer (yes, after she been *harrassing* and putting me on a guilt trip) only to be told the damn thing was on maintenance.

i can see mom was very disappointed. not to waste the afternoon away, i bought package duck tour (land and sea) inclusive of the flyer tickets end date in april. it was not cheap =:O(. since i have never been on one of this tour before (more for the tourist), i decide that i should enjoy every minute of it and pretend that i'm a tourist from mongolia. i have to say the trip was rather interesting, as the wind was blowing softly, whispering sweet nothing enough to say aunt fell asleep 10 mins during the sea ride.

the guide was pretty good with the facts and details and i learn something new. needless to say, i'm disgusted when told how much each of the esplanade panel cost!! so much for wanting an art centre.

the trip end with us having late noon coffee at suntec food hall and making plans for the upcoming flyer's ride. i enjoyed spending time with mom and my aunt as this is not something i do on a daily basis.

My 2 cents worth...

2011-03-25T23:03:00.003+08:00

hmmm... american idol.

i love the fact steven tyler is one of the judges.

i love looking at jennifer lopez always looking so gorgeous.

i'm tired of randy.

i have a crush on ryan seacrest.

my cougar instinct comes out when stefano comes on stage.

i know every women hating on pia cuz not only is she drop dead gorgeous but dayum that woman can sing.

i predict jacob be going home soon. when he sang from the group heart, i had to switch off my tv.

i'm not surprise they used the safe card for casey. bet he looking kinda cute when those bushy beard gone.

i don't even want to comment on that cowboy dude (inappropriate thoughts flashing through).

and yeah.. that other white dude with the strange dance and squeaky voice.. he be going home too...

i caved in..

2011-03-18T22:13:00.002+08:00

i finally caved in to having a facebook.

yeah me.. after holding out for so long, resisting the temptation to follow the crowd having multiple profile and signing up to website from hi fi, friendster, myspace, etc.

what makes me sign up.. well i thought i will be nice to keep in touch with old and new friends from far and beyond the equater line.

i been on facebook for about 2 weeks or so... now i'm bored with it.

blah...

Bugs

2011-03-05T20:11:00.002+08:00

falling sick is no fun especially when i been coughing, nose blockage, fever going up and down.

meds not working and i'm cussing the doc. i miss eating my fried chicken, drinking my lime juice and snacking on my potato chips. yeah a healthy diet...lol.

i don't feel like paying another S$75 dollars for doc consultation and its med not even working its dam magic.

arghhhh!!!

Uhh...

2011-02-27T01:34:00.004+08:00

right now i wish i'm spending my time lazing around on sandy beaches in bora bora instead of nursing my sinus for the past two weekends.

i'm stressing cuz mom's knees in pain, i'm planning to take wednesday off to see a doctor and we will proceed from there. folks said its the norm as you gets older, your knees going to go first. i have a strong feeling that the doctor going to recommend her knee cap replacement and that going to cost lots of money.

there goes my vacation this year.

someone i know been on a fasting diet of no sugar, caffiene, carbo and deep fried. food that past his mouth is pretty much chicken, fish, pasta (don't ask me why that is not considered carbo on his list). well i guess it must have really works cuz he lost 8 pounds (not sure how much that is in KG). he been at it for more than a month and decides to stay on this diet as he claims he don't have the craving for comfort food and snacks. however, he still going to have the occassional frapucinno when the needs arises.

sigh..

ps: it's 1.40am sunday and i'm still wide awake...

Grrr...

2011-02-25T22:54:00.002+08:00

hmmm...guess who called out of the blue??? yeah the very person who been putting me in total misery that drives me to shopping spree. yeah that very person who bought me this damn laptop.

the best part of it all, he has no idea as to why i been distancing myself from him. after all the BS that was said, he actually *clueless* as to what when wrong.

well i told him straight up and the usual, i'm sorry repeated being played out.

man.. i'm done.. with this one in particular!!

happy days..

2011-02-17T13:01:00.004+08:00

i been possess by the shopping ghost. i breeze through the mall like i have money to burn.

i bought 5 pairs of shoes (3 flats, 2 heels) and 2 dresses.

i been eating well. stuffing my face like i been deprived of food.

half chicken (at nandos) for lunch, satay and ice kacang 3hrs later at the esplanade.

been having fast food for the past couple of days.

i must be going through something...hmmm..

oh yeahh... that emotional roller coaster shit..

i'm broke... but i'm happy =:O)

things..

2011-02-13T12:06:00.002+08:00

well well lots of things have taken place for the past couple of weeks.

mending a broken heart (still going through the process)
first experience rowing in a dragon boat race
had a *situation* with mom (she still not talking to me) and
typing all this on my new 17" inch acer laptop which came as a xmas present from the very man that broke my heart...

i have to admit i really enjoyed the dragon boat race. adrenalin running through me. water splashing while rowing, shouting in unison to get the high of winning the race (even though we didn't win). for a first timer i did not do bad (yes giving myself credit), even though i can't swim and all the while i was in that slim boat with 16 others, i kept praying the boat don't capsized.

at the end of the day i was glad i participated, had lots of fun, body aching, soaking wet but i was smiling.

and that what matters to me most =:0)

Dalam Diamku

2011-01-18T10:29:00.004+08:00

Telah ku pilih jalan ini
Meski kini ku sendiri
Renungi erti sepi
Tak lagi ada satu kata
Satu jiwa dalam cinta
Yang ada hanya hampa

Semakin terasa
Semakin berbeda
Sungguh sangat menyeksa

Kata hatiku
Kusimpan dalam diam
Tak perlu ucap lagi

Kau kan mengerti suatu hari
Mengapa harus terjadi
Semakin terasa
Semakin berbeda
Sungguh sangat menyeksa

Sepiku lara
Hatiku hampa
Kerana cinta
Menyeksa di dada

Lelah aku mencari
Ruang cintamu
Untuk cintaku
Bagi cinta ini

Lelah terus berlari
Tanpa bererti
Membelah hati
Terumbang-ambing dalam kebimbangan

Daku terus mencari...
Terumbang-ambing dalam kebimbangan

Yang hilang biarlah menjadi kenangan
Biarkanlah... lepaskanlah...

Telah ku pilih jalan ini
Meski ku sendiri
Renungi erti sepi

(song/lyric siti nurhaliz & kridayanti)

Terasa amat sayu dihati ini, hanya airmata menjadi teman melepaskan perasaan yang terpendam sekian lama.

Panic..

2010-12-07T10:24:00.004+08:00

dayummmmmmm my last post was october =:O(

guess there isn't much to say or way too much to say that i don't even know where to begin what to say...

anyway, i'm stressing. i hate going to the doctor. you know you're well until you go to the doctor and they tell you all kind of disease that been hiding in you even when you feeling great and can do the cartwheel.

well, i'm stressing cuz aunt flow has not come knocking since september. i thought perhaps it's late by a month which is pretty common. than, its two and half months so i start panicking. doc ask if i been stressing.. the usual. if i been dieting.. UHH WHATS THAT... if i been exercising excessively... UHH WHATS THAT AGAIN...

so pretty much NO to all the question above. i have not been feeling any stomach cramp, except the occasional lower back pain, craving for chips and yeah bloated from eating too much or gas. doc ask if i been bumping the uglies... i wish... but no...

i asked if this could be an early menopause and he said no. according to him, aunt flow won't just stop abruptly and there will be sign... yanno hot flash, temper, blah blah.. i asked if i'm sweating in the rain is that considered hot flash (insert yahoo confuse emoticon), i swear to you he was trying hard not to laugh...

he still not convince so he makes me do the UPT (urine pregnancy test).. and i gave him cup full to dip into. uhh yap.. i'm clear as the blue sky. he prescribed me pills for 5 days to trigger aunt flow.. well my 5 days was up last monday and aunt flow being an ass decides to stay home and not come knocking. so yeah now i'm panicking cuz i scared shit to see the doc only to pack off to the hospital for further checkup. i'm going to give it till this weekend and if nothing turns up.. yeah i drag my scary ass to see the doc.

sigh.. sometimes i hate being a woman.

Irk.. Irk..

2010-10-27T12:21:00.003+08:00

why is it.. when you tell folks you're single they are quick to jump to conclusion and goes.. AHH LUCKY YOU, NO RESPONSIBILITY (financially, etc.. blah blah.....)

uhh hellooooo what makes you think that i'm living a life of luxury where i can throw all my cautions in the wind.

arghhh... dam these fools..

Something You Crave Alot

2010-10-25T15:45:00.002+08:00

i have a long list of *things* that i crave for. but when i think long and hard it leads to 2 things in my life this instance that i felt the craving could never been fulfil or come to fruition.

i'm going to address the first.

i'm craving to be a mother. it breaks my heart when i know deep down, i will never be one and no.... i'm not talking about adopting. i'm talking about the whole nine yard of *creating* with your better half to starts a family. where deep desire of wanting to have a family that it was done with love. when that love (by the will of God) resulted in having that child growth inside of you and feels it first kick... no i never will have that. for nine months where the foetus become a baby and through the birth process... no.. i will never feels that.

each time, when i hears a child calling for his/her mom, my heart ache. these ears will never hear a child cried for me...these arms will never hug a child that is mine. these eyes will never see her own child smiling back. these lips will never kiss the skin of her child.

when i goes window shopping and saw things related to kids, i always wonder if i have a child, which would i buy, will i spoil and let them choose whichever to their heart contents...sigh. friends always said.. ohh gigi you so lucky you don't have to deal with the kids, blah blah blah... but they don't realize how lucky they are. me i just smile and laugh it off, when deep down inside it felt like my heart is being pierce with needles..

i know i've written about this before and it gets harder when mother's day is around. i'm simply stating to the craving that will not be fulfilled.

movie eye candies

2010-10-20T10:55:00.003+08:00

hmmm... i finally went to watch TAKERS. story line remind me of ocean 11, i don't quite like the ending where chris and michael went out gun blazing and died, but i still enjoy the movie.

paul walker - yummie

christen haydensen - too skinny for my eye but even in death he looks pretty....sigh.

michael ealy - sigh.. those eyes

chris brown - not bad acting

t.i - that accent.. lol.. cute

idris elba - licking lips & impure thoughts throughout the movie..and that english accent.. i'm sold!! lol

A Song To Match Your Mood

2010-10-15T16:19:00.004+08:00

ok yes.. i uhh not following the rule of *October Challenge* since i randomly chose which challenge to do... i'm going to call it.. Me Challenge.

today when i listen to Nina Simone *I Put A Spell On You*, i starts to visualize...

my hair wrap up in a turban (aka erykah badu) chillaxin in bathrobe and slippers, a ciggy hang from the corner of my lips, coffee turns cold leaving mark on the table. dirty dishes done stacking up cuz i'm not in the mood to do any cleaning cuz my man done gone mess up in the head again. i'm sitting leg cross, hissy mode starring at this wanka and said.. YEAH U HUR MEH DADDY!! U AIN'T GOING NO WURR!! throw the coffee on his face, stood up, spit the ciggy and walk away, humming......... hee hee.

ps: when visualizing did not realize the 1st pic of nina was in turban wid ciggy...

hello stranger..

2010-10-11T14:29:00.003+08:00

i realize i have been really uhhh lazy with my blog. one of my all time favourite excuse for such is... MY LAPTOP IS DOWN AND I CAN'T BLOG... fo shor!!

i tried to blog at work, since my desk is only 1 table away from my director, i have to be uhhh.. sneaky. it doesn't help that my current computer screen is 23 inch, felt like every tom, may lee and junie can sneak a peak... dam nosey poker.

i was lurking on blogworld, yes even when i don't post, i snoop around to see whats up with folks... yes i'm a nosey poker, when i come across one of my fav stopever here. i like the list challenge, even if i'm two weeks late in the process but i figure out why not? i think i can do this.. at least i'm going to try. not sure about posting pics though cuz i always end up looking either i'm gonna beat someone up or in total pain kinda look. as to when i'm getting around to doing the list...uhh... when i can sneak a moment...

until than, yall have a great week =:O)

Me..

2010-08-20T13:22:00.005+08:00

i never said it out loud to anyone before... well not one that i can remember (ohhh shitay..is this the sign of .. uhh nevermind).

i have a problem of letting go.... my anger.

when i'm upset with someone i cares to the core.. yeah i said it.. to the core.. its hard for me to let go of my pissy mode. i want to air it out, but at most time it could be misunderstood and both parties become defensive. in the moment of heat (well not the other kind of heat.. hee hee) my mouth goes in auto gear and my brain follow suits 3seconds later. than i get all hussy and goes cold turkey on them. even after couple of days has pass by, the scene will get all played out in brain. i get to a point where i be having mental conversation of what i wanted to say to the other party, rolling in my head like a dam script.

there's only one person that understand my *tantrum* and have stood by me through all my ups and down, for that i'm truly greatful for. when he told me i need to chill the hell out, i better listen..lol.

as i grow older, this is the part where i'm not getting any wiser. i'm trying. i really am...

Row Row Your Boat...

2010-07-16T17:02:00.004+08:00

hmmm... my boss suggest i join the company's dragon boat team.

simply because i'm *big bone*, i may have the stamina to row the dam boat, sweating in the sun, arms aching, legs cramp up in minimal space. on top of that, having to give up my saturday and sunday morning when competition around the corner..... arhhhh..... weekend is the only morning where my love affair with my pillow last a little bit longer than usual.

i have to admit though, the first time when i read the company email recruiting for crew i was tempted, but for the life of me, it slip my mind till couple of weeks later. looking at the current team, i realize with the exception of one, i'm not comfortable with the rest of the folks. now, they recruiting fresh blood, hoping to send out more team.

i don't know.. should i go ahead and gives up my weekend pleasure, waking up early, huffing and puffing and going through the rigorous training. to be honest, i'm not sure if i can cope with the training part of it, actually it scares the hell out of me. what if i fainted or have heat stroke??? who going to carry me??? shot..

but i am tempted... hmmm.. let me think about it a little longer, maybe.. just maybe..

Question of Lust

2010-07-15T17:35:00.003+08:00

my teenage life was filled with music from depeche mode, spandau ballet anything from the UK chart. even after 20 odds years i'm so in love with this song and never get bored listening to it.

sigh... enjoy...

Can Of Whop Azz...

2010-07-05T17:20:00.004+08:00

ok so i'm a little late in blogging about the graffiti offender (been busy with work). well, here's my thought on it....

he's getting his ass whop. i'm saying he deserves it. every swing of that cane. when a 32 yr ol man with a good job as IT consultant starts acting a fool and decides to break into govt property and leave his art for the public to enjoy... well...

you get what's coming for ya...

he thought he can get away with it. hhhmmm.. imagine the shock on his face when the poo poo comes knocking on his door. too bad his accomplice escaped... for now.. you know his ass is in hiding...

it seems he pleading for his case. claim he was under the influence of alcohol. well, i hope the ruling remained unchanged, we need to remind them, their reckless actions comes with consequences. obviously, they forgotten the american boy who got his ass caned.. otherwise i'm sure they be having second thought about doing the deed.

maybe the swiss never heard of the phrase *when in rome, do what the romans do*. obviously, some of these *incoming* expat has no respect for the local rules. may this be a reminder to the rest of the folks who thinks they can get away and walk around with a smug smile on their face.

look whose crying now...

it's only wednesday..

2010-06-23T17:06:00.003+08:00

hhmmm.. work done, one more hour to go. earpiece on listening to katt william pimpin, laughing to myself, colleagues wondering what's so funny.

i'm dreaming of another beach vacation. yeah we have beaches where i'm at, but i'm not about to spend my time chillin by the beach starring ahead at ships anchored within my view.... no sir.

my male cousin who is of the same age as me, found out he has 3 clog arteries..........yeappppp. physically he's not fat.. not to me, cuz he just as tall as i am. but we found out he a social smoker and i guess all that rich food is ganging up on him. doctor told him he need a bypass. aunt panicky and telling him not too and find an alternative. i'm not sure what's the alternative is.. maybe daily meds, exercise.. i don't know.

he was discharged without the bypass. said he going to think about it. i don't know if its the right decision but i'm not in the position to question it.

now mom on my case. telling me to eat more *healthy*... fruits, vegetable, blah blah. shot, i don't have problem with my fruits and veg, i love them. my only problem right now is cutting down on my dam potato chips addiction.

i have 1 and half pack of chips hidden in my cupboard. yes i know i need to get rid of it, but that's my comfort food. yes its a lame excuse.

i saw my current pic..... lawd.. i have chubby cheeks....lmao. but wait a sec, pictures always make you look overweight.... don't they? yes i admit i could loose couple of kg/pound. my heart is willing, my body is stalling.

i'm trying to reprogram my mentality..... i been down this road. i get all excited and start working out.... 1 week later, i be laying on my bed with a book and my step master back in the corner collecting dust.

=:O(

Vakhashun Ohhvahh =:O(

2010-06-01T16:16:00.003+08:00

ok i'm back from vacation and been back to work.. argghhhh.

as usual i can't blog about the trip from home as my ol faithful computer is not very cooperative lately and it's truly testing my patience, counting to 20 (that's all the patience i have) is not helpful.

all i can say for now is.. i'm tan... dammmmm i'm tan (well more like burn). yes, i have the sun block with me plus collagen, but too damn excited to put it on once i see water, sand and sun. i swear i'm worst than a kid at the beach.

i can't load any pictures either as my card reader is not able to read the thumb drive.

so.. everything will be posted and full detail will be up, once i get everything work out (hopefully).

all i can say.... damit i should have stayed just one more day for myself...

vacation.. staycation..

2010-05-21T20:03:00.005+08:00

i'm starting my vacation with staycation. been staying at home for the past 2 days and running errands before sunday. mom been busy packing her suitcase as if she going away for 3 weeks instead of 3 days.... sigh. now i have to find my own case to pack, since that small suitcase of her is pack to the max.

i made a mistake in planning my vacation. i should have booked an extra day just for myself but i was stressing out with work, time and mom, my plan get all muddled up. now mom felt we should absorb aunt's airfare, since according to her she tight on the wallet. sigh.. there goes my budget. well no point throwing a hissy fits about it now. hopefully i can go for another short getaway soon after.

i be turning a year older. am i supposed to feel any different?

VACATION!!!.. Well soon anyway...

2010-05-11T22:39:00.004+08:00

for the 1st time in my adult life, i make my first online booking. yes, laugh all you want to. call me backdated, backward, old fashion. i have always been paranoid to purchase anything online for fear of identity theft.

i needed to get away. desperately needs to get away from it all!! finally psyching myself up, i decided to go vacation on my own. to a beach resort in one of the malaysia state side. just a quick 3 nights of nothing but chillout and sun tan (yes sun is bad yeah yeah...)

when i mentioned this wonderful plan of mine on what i'm going to do for my birthday, mom was like.. hhmm.. nope i'm coming along and please ask your aunt since she has never been there. i'm like wha dah hellllll....

never before booked anything online, i was rather hesitant about doing so. but not having much of a choice and time is running out, i finally takes the courage to confirm both flights and lodging today. yeah!!!

anyway, i don't have the heart to say no to mom, considering its been a while since she was on vacation. 3 women, footloose and carefree will be chilling at the pristine white sandy beach (hopefully), lodging by the lakefront room (hopefully it has a gorgeous view). only problem now, i need a dam new camera and i'm already over my budget.

hmmm on second thought maybe mom wanted to tag alone, caused she just doesn't like the idea that i might be wearing less when i'm at the beach. sigh...

however, the next time around... i be by myself.........oh yeah...

May...

2010-05-08T14:44:00.003+08:00

i hated the month of may. not because it reminds me i'm turning a year older (goodness how time flies). simply because of mother's day.

as the impending weekend of the commercialized mother's day approaching, all form of media reminds you of where you came from, deep inside of me, i feel sadness and emptiness.

i become restless, envious, jealousy slowly creeping up, as i look around me surrounded by women and their children. it remind me of what i never will be. A MOTHER.

there are times i have to look away from the lovely face of a baby sitting next to me in the bus, praying that the lil one goes to sleep, so he/she don't have the urge to make cute little noises, or their fat little fingers trying to reach out to me, wanting to touch out of curiosity. i had to look away, because it's causing a lump in my throat and my eyes start to waters. so i shut my eyes and pretends to sleep.

i get mad and upset when i read the papers, how the unwanted babies were left next to the garbage bin or even killed. precious life being treated like a rag doll.

as for me and mom we have a complicated relationship, between liking and not liking each other that much.....lol. however, i'm sure i'm not alone in this.

to all the mothers out there and the future mothers..... have a great mother's day.

Erk..

2010-04-01T17:47:00.004+08:00

its april. i have not done any posting since my last entry in feb.

i have nothing much to say.

my life is quiet and boring.

wake up, work, home, sleep. mulitiply that by 5 days.

on weekend. i'm a zombie. i'm too tired to do anything but laze and read a fiction.

cuz its more fun to read since i don't have a life.

lol.

but lately, i been thinking of something that i should not even entertain.

you know the phrase.. its so wrong but it felt right. (ok that don't sound right). every core of me says DO IT!! DO IT!! but it soooooooooo wronggggggggggggg....

i need to do lots of serious thinking about this particular issues. cuz i don't want any regrets.

sigh..

A Surprise On Valentine Day..

2010-02-14T22:01:00.007+08:00

NO I DID NOT GET BUNCH OF ROSES. NO CARD OR BOX OF CHOCOLATE. AS I RECALLED I DECLARED JIHAD TO CUPID WITH HIS CROSS EYES AND BLUNT ARROWS.

Instead...

on valentine day i attended a wedding. it was my cousin 2nd wedding and she not even hit her 30 just yet. married to a mid 40 ol man, who already been married twice with 3 kids in tow. needless to say, the choice of groom was a surprised to both me and mom.

when i first saw the groom, i was dumb struck (for the lack of better word). there he is on a special day and he looking sloppy with his wiry white/grey hair (that happen to pass his shoulder) all over looking unkempt. dayum dude, can't you even go and have a decent hair cut?!!! i felt like giving him ten bucks and make him run to the nearest barber. shot, gives me a lil bit of hair gel and a comb, let me turn that unruly mess to a nice bun!!

my cousin on other hand, looking pretty like a first time bride. looking at them together, it gives me shivers (not the good kind). i wonder how this love affairs started. where they met. what the hell do they talk about. what do they have in common besides the kids from both their previous marriage. how soon did he propose to her. was she desperate... ok i'm being cruel..

i guess love is truly blind. maybe she is truly happy with him. maybe he's the prince that been missing in her life. or maybe he just the father figure that she needed in her life. who am i to judge and doom on a marriage that is about to begin. but why at the back of my mind, i kept saying.. surely she can do better than this. we all wanted the best for our love one.. don't we? oh gawd.. i'm such a snob.

in this case, first impression matters... in my eyes, he failed. if he can't be bothered to clean up and look halfway decent as a groom, makes me wonder what the future holds. maybe he don't feel the need to impress anyone, since he already found his young bride. maybe the rest of the immediate family don't matter, because he only have eyes and love for her. maybe this being his third marriage, been there done that... heck... he going to come as he is. maybe he just very comfortable being who he is and if he gives me the middle finger for suggesting a haircut.. i don't blame him...oh gawd, i feels another shivers and the hair on my neck.....

there's a saying, if it's meant to be and its fate that leads you to each other, who are we to question the work of God.

i hope he treats her well...

i know the bride's mom is not feeling her new son-in-law.....lol.. cuz all i felt during the ceremony was negative vibe oozing out of her...couple of the family members had to calm her down and gives word of support.

on the way home, mom ask me.. would i 'want' that type of man. i said i rather be the way i am right now....

does that makes me a snob...maybe yeah....

OMG... it just cross my mind... since my cousin address me as 'aunt' (due to family hierarchy (is that the right word?))...... oh dayummmmm he better not address me by that or i'm gonna have a seizure.....lol.

Quote Of The Day..

2010-02-02T10:58:00.002+08:00

God help you if you are an ugly girl,

‘course too pretty is also your doom,

’cause everyone harbors a secret hatred for the prettiest girl in the room.

-Ani Difranco

Bet The Neighbour...

2009-12-24T11:57:00.003+08:00

don't ask me why i'm humming to Trey Songz - Bet The Neighbours Know My Name..

hmmm... but dayummm that tremaine is a cutie...

sigh..

mmm.. n oh yeah..

MERRY XMAS TO EVERYONE CELEBRATING!!

ps: usher music getting whack. r kelly bores the hell out of me with whatever he been releasing lately.

Here We Goes..

2009-12-08T16:44:00.004+08:00

how time flies...

that's what we said when it hits december and you starts to reflect on what has taken place for the past 11 months or so.

me, well....

i been through anger, disappointment, health scare, reunited and a certain lost.

i'm not enjoying my work right now. there are days, i don't mind the work but immediate supervisor sucks major. there's certainly some kind of bullshitting going on. i'm about done with office politics. in conclusion, i work to pay bills.

i have a health scare. thank gawd it was nothing serious. doc suspected i might have gall stone and need an operation. after going through all the necessary tests, it seems i'm healthy as a bull. however, something bothers me and when they suggest i go through endoscope i must have turn pale as white sheet.

Me: urhhh doc.. instead of having to put the tube down my throat.. uhh can't we do it.. yanno uhhh.. the other way round.

Doc: the other way round?

Me: yanno.. uhh.. mmm... the.. uhhh (i nearly say ass).. uhh derriere

Doc (smiling): actually it going to hurt more if we go through that option.

(which makes me wonder is he had it done before)

Me: uhh.. i can't do the throat thingy i'm gonna gag and throw up.

Doc: i can understand. i'm worried it would cause a tear along the passage.

Me: mmm.. uhh.. i don't wanna.

Sigh, doc set me up for another appointment in jan 2010. So much for having peace of mind.

I reunited with 2 of my bestfriends from secondary school (high school). Both of them married with kids and they seems happy. Gawd I never realize how much I miss them till we meet up. And yes, I'm jealous that they have family of their own with kids in tow. Me.. everywhere I go, my shadow keeps me company.

I did not travel far this year, due to several reasons. Hopefully I can do so next year. Maybe I visit Mr Tennessee..... nahhhhhhh...

With all the events that have taken place for the past 11 months, I am grateful. Grateful that I have a job, a home, friends that I cared for. Grateful mom around (even when she's being a pain). Grateful for all the material possession that I have. Grateful for the quiet life that I been living lately (sometimes too quiet....lol).

In other word..

Amin ( Amen)

and oh yeah i nearly forget..

i won $260 facial voucher for a contest i can hardly remembers. so yeah.. that is sweet =:O)

another disappointment...

2009-10-21T13:43:00.004+08:00

i been holding on to this disappointment feeling since yesterday. i thought i would feel ok and it will just blew away like the wind.

i was so confident that i will get the job through inter-dept transfer because i have the extra skill that i felt the rest is lacking. i been preparing mentally to accept the extra workload, the new responsibility. i was prepared because i was that confident. but i was wrong.

i wonder what i lacked that they felt i would not be a contributor to the dept. sigh. i even psyched myself not to stress about not getting the job. if its meant to be, its meant to be. nonetheless, when i read the email, i felt crushed.

i was so piss yesterday after reading the email. yeah i was piss for a good 30 minutes that the devil in me came out. yeah i was jealous. i had to calm my ass, thank gawd i was attending a whole day course, i don't have to fake happiness. gaaawwwdddddddd am i such a bad person??!!

on the way home, i told myself maybe this is for the better. for we can only plan, its the big guy upstairs that give the final push. i decided that this will be another BLESSING IN DISGUISE. for what we think is good for us, may not be good in his eyes.

with that thought in mind, i breathe, release, let go.

this much i know, i'm a much better worker than one of the *successful* candidates. so be it, it's their lost...

breathe, exhale, breathe, let go...

Pieces...

2009-10-12T11:57:00.004+08:00

coming to work on monday morning, glancing through my work email is one news i least expected to receive.

right now, my heart is broken to pieces for i'm losing the one person i truly cares and love for. i felt like my oxygen supplied has been cut off. the one part of me that i hold close and dear to my heart is gone.

i'm not being dramatic, for the tears i'm holding back is threatening to flow down my face and all i could think of is why...

oh gawd my heart ache..

Letting Go..

2009-10-05T17:23:00.005+08:00

sometime in life we have to let go of things...

right now, i have to let go of people. people that at one point are close to me and means something for we shared moment of happiness/sadness/stupidity .. etc.

its hard... i'm hoping that we could still try and amend the wrong we did. the strain and slow death of friendship is not worth hanging on too.

i don't want it if its only one side clapping. i'm slowly letting go of this toxic friends that at one point in my life i called family.

i can't help but feel such sadness in my heart.

=:O(

I had a scare...

2009-10-03T23:29:00.003+08:00

i had a sudden sharp pain on my right side that i had to stop from walking for about five minutes and wait till it the pain subsides. a couple of hours later, it came back with a vengeance. the pain moves from the right side of my tummy to the left and it became so bloated and discomfort that i can't lie on my back or side cuz of the pain. i can't even burp or fart!!

mom starts rubbing hot ointment hoping that it will help to reduce the discomfort but not much. the next morning i went to see the GP and he immediately sent me to hospital A & E for further check up. he suspected that it could be gall stone. after having blood, urine, xray test done on me, it seems all my vital organs is fine!! the only conclusion is a major muscle spasm. since the xray do not show any sign of gall stone, i was not admitted to the hospital but was given 3 days rest at home plus tonnes of relaxer and pain killers. i do have to come back for check on friday. but what bothers me right now is the pain or should i say discomfort comes and goes and i'm not sure if its muscle spasm cuz the relaxer is not really working.

guess i will have to bring this up when i see the doc again.

i have to admit, i was scared. i don't like hospital and i hate waiting for test results. i can't afford to be sick cuz i have no one else to look after mom.

i'm making an effort to watch what i eat........ sigh... but its soooooooooo hard.. i love food too much!!!

Tick tick tick...

2009-08-18T17:02:00.003+08:00

1hr more to go.

Ohhh gawd give me the strength for I'm falling asleep at my desk.

let me go to youtube and search U2 -desire to give me some vibe till 6pm.

online connection...

2009-08-09T20:27:00.003+08:00

maybe its good that i don't feel the need to sign on to friendster, hifi, myspace, facebook and what have you. my colleagues kept asking me if i have facebook. i'm like.. duh i see you at work i don't have the desire to see you online. i have this and my photo blog and even that i can't make a daily rituals.

maybe i don't feel the need to always be connected to folks i don't know. or folks that i have no desire to connect with from my past or present. i also don't like the idea that your current or future employee can google you online. nah uhhh.. nooo....

and i don't understand the desire for folks to tweet. do i really need to know if you're sitting on your potty doing the number 2?!! hayleeeeee naww...

and lately i notice you can update your status in hotmail, and folks actually bothers to do just that. i read an article those who updated their status every so often is an attention seekers... sigh....

guess that's not going to happen to me..

the days...

2009-08-05T00:57:00.006+08:00

we were invited to celebrate my aunt's birthday on sunday. it was good to be with my extended family. i never know what it felt like to have siblings and this is the only time, i get to share in the *big* family gathering. we had seafood for dinner and as usual, it was good food and company.

on monday, i took mom and my aunt across the border for a massage. my massage was supposed to last for an hour and half but i was disappointed with the masseuse for i felt she did not do a good job.... but i don't have the heart to say anything negative to her boss, as we all human trying to earn a living. at least, mom and aunt enjoyed theirs.. so its all good.

we went to the local mall for lunch only once again to be disappointed by the food. i end up not eating and it did not make matters any better as mom was making me irritated and it was beginning to piss me off. by the end of the trip i was hungry and upset.

so sunday was great, monday sucks.

tuesday, i spend the afternoon at the library. while i was trying to decide which book to pick suddenly there was a commotion at the table section as 2 old chinese men squabbling over the newspaper, the librarian had to calm them down. earlier, i was accosted by a filipino young man trying to get donation for some kid's organization. now, i know there should not be any form of *hussling* ( i can't find the right word for now), i reported to the librarian on duty. she acknowledge it but don't seem to be taking any action about it. hmmm. At the local mall, i came across an insane man, shouting and waving his hand at no one in particular, while holding on to a crash drink can. sigh... had to say it was a colourful outing...lol.

came back home and cleaned up part of my wardrobe by giving away my all too tight jeans to be recycled. i still keep couple of the ...uhh... 1 size smaller than my current.. maybe i was hoping to be able to fit into them again... ohh if only that works as a motivation.... bah-hum-bug.

wednesday... sigh... i need to clean up the house so the painter can start painting the whole apartment come thursday. sigh, i'm so not looking forward to the mess.

btw, my bedroom going to be dark red... uhh.. yeah... i'm trying something new...

a great day overall...

2009-08-02T11:59:00.002+08:00

lesson learn...

never ever will i go for breakfast buffet again.

i don't wake up early on the weekend cuz its the only days i can sleep in couple of hours extra. i don't wake up early in the morning on the weekend unless there's a man involved or mom with her insisting knocking on my door to accompany her to the market. yeah that will do it...

but i make an exception for an old friend as a belated birthday celebration. she chose to have a luxurious, relaxing breakfast where we can sit and catch up. so i make reservation at the hyatt straits kitchen as a surprise cuz she thinking we be hanging out at micky d's for pancake. nah... i thought i gave her a treat instead.

so we chill out, two cups of cappucinos, 3 glass of fruit juice and numerous round of pancakes, salads and what have you... all i wanted right than was my bed and maybe pail to throw up .. just in case. we were so stuffed to the max, that we felt so disgusted we make a pack never to do this again.

we decides to walk it off and do some window shopping, where i end up buying handbag for my aunt since its her birthday, a jigsaw puzzle for my lil cousin.. since its his birthday and i can't decides what to buy for ice tea since his birthday coming up next. gawd... my bank balance is crying right now... we end the day by watching *the hangover*... good hilarious movie, ahhh i so wish i'm back in vegas right now... so much good memories.

i had a wonderful time with my old school friend. we chat, we laugh, we burped. i'm glad she likes the garnet earing i bought for her...

its been a good day.

the only spoiler of the day was me having the sudden attack of the sneezing fits and watery eye after the movie... dam.

staycation...

2009-07-31T17:31:00.002+08:00

i'm on staycation from 3aug till 10aug and i'm not going anywhere.

=:O(

mom gonna drives me crazy. the painter gonna drives me crazy. aargghhh..

Oh why why...

2009-07-27T14:14:00.005+08:00

i was at sephora on the weekend checking out the new outlet located at the high end mall. i love wandering around the different product stands, always amaze at all the different ranges and prices. i be sniffing and trying out most of the testers till my sense of smell became numb.

as i was happily lost in moisturizers land, i came across a product called FATGIRLSLIM. i don't have to tell you in detail what exactly the purpose of that product. i was taken aback by the name brand. why? cuz i felt insulted by it. now i don't consider myself fat, even if my mom thinks i am. yes i been gaining weight but hell, i'm not 20 and no i don't stay size 10 all my life. on a good day i'm a size 14 if that is fat... SO BE IT.

now, i tried to pass over the initial shock of the product name, till my girlfriend saw it and what do you know.. gurl start cussing!! i was like WHOA...

cuz you see, my girl is kinda big. a size 18 big, maybe. now do i need to ask her why she was cussing, no.

i wonder if any girl above the size of 12 will go and buy the product. but than again, you never know with the society that i'm living in where the skinnier you're the *sexier* it seems, girls, ladies, shim size 12 and below would probably splurge on the product. one thing i have to say, they succeeded in making the name an eye catching product... simply by calling it FATGIRLSLIM.......

blah..

ps: some of the folks whose blog i have enjoyed reading are turning it to private, i'm too embarrassed to ask for permission to read. i've enjoyed reading them cuz, they provide a different window to my life. at times, there's lesson to be learn and take notes. but i guess i have to respect their wishes. sigh ....

me the ditz..

2009-07-17T16:57:00.003+08:00

i was day dreaming on my way to the bus stop to catch the morning ride, only to get distracted by a lone grey hane man underwear all dried up sticking to the pavement. damn. someone gonna be in a hussy mood looking for their fav undie. now don't lie, you know you have your fav piece where you gonna be wearing it till its all loose and shit. now me.. well i ain't telling.. hee hee.

i know i have not been blogging. work is my excuse. work is draining me out. right now i'm working cuz i need to. not because i'm enjoying it.

we are going through a dept transistion. had an informal 1 to 1 session with the new head dept and i think i just dug my own grave. she asked me what about my job that i like. now me, i was not thinking, i was tired, my mind was blank and i was not looking forward to this getting to know you crap. so when she ask me that question, i was like.. hmm... like (put in yahoo duh expression).. i can only say, there are days i like my job, there are days that has its moment. its human nature, there's up and downs to it.

____________________________________ flatline dead.

now i was thinking.. shit, i ain't about to lie and be all excited cuz i know she can tell bs when she sees one. so i was being myself (yes, for that moment in time.. being myself not thinking through) and said the first things on my mind. when i get home, i was like........ohh hayle nawwwwwww!!

sigh.. too late.

so, right now, we all waiting in anticipation, clueless as to what, how, where and which direction the dept is heading to. all i'm gonna say now is........i'm praying.

hoping for the best...

2009-06-14T00:01:00.004+08:00

we are stressing out at work. big boss came down with hr and next thing we found out, our head of operation was let go. he makes a speech about how we're aware of the company new direction and he decided for the good of the company to step down. yeah right like we believe every word that he said. i swear to you i heard him choke up trying to hide the emotion during his brief speech.

we all know the truth.. YOU WERE LET GO..... dam... i feel sad for him.

now, the whole dept not sure what's going to happen next. we were told no one is losing their job, the dept will just need to make readjustment to fit the company new direction. with that, we're crossing our fingers, legs, arms.. whatever and prays hard. it doesn't help that right hand woman came down and trying to figure out how to minimise work and increase productivity. it doesn't help that she thinks all projects should be standardized, for someone so smart, i think she not that bright. doesn't she realized that different projects caters to different clientele which in return has to deal with different rules and regulations of the industry, in different region. sigh....we are already overload plus it doesn't help that we're freezing and new projects are coming up in the next couple of months.

for someone who don't seem to realise how our daily work flows, the market we dealing with and etc, how is she going to make decision on who or what duties is redundant.

i'm nervous.

a day older...

2009-05-23T23:37:00.004+08:00

a day after my bday. hmmmm....

no dramatic changes mentally, emotionally, maybe a week later i probably going to feel the emotional breakdown of getting a year older. physically i hope i won't add a new digit to my already expending self...i told nora i'm going to start doing one exercise each day... uhh starting.....

i spend the morning with mom, who get all emotional as she wished me (and makes me all emotional too) and apologizing at the same time for not having any gift. giving birth to me is already a gift....lol.

in the evening i meet up with nora for a movie and dinner. we watched angel and demon by dan brown. it was okay, as i did not read the book, i enjoyed the movie. we than head out to tcc for desert. i had pumpkin cheesecake for the first time and i loves it. its has a different texture and i love the sweet taste of pumpkin. than she surprised me with a gift on the way home in the train. she bought me a silver bracelet which i love and goes with most of my wardrobe which mainly consist of jeans and tshirts...lol.

it was a quiet day but filled with bday wishes of folks who knows me. for that itself, i feel so bless and thankful for being remembered on this special day.

as i get older..

2009-05-22T00:34:00.003+08:00

happy birthday to me.
if i'm not mistaken
i came wailing out of the birth canal
at 12.48am on this date.
all 9 pounds of me.
yap i was big.
still am
getting bigger
hee hee...

the weekend...

2009-05-20T15:01:00.003+08:00

i swear i was not going to shop till my birthday, but i caved in when i saw a mock snake skin handbag that looks *classy* and *expensive* but only cost me S$59. so what a girl to do but grab it while its hot. the salesperson told me it just arrive a few hours ago. i'm such a sucker....lol.

i been totting that bag for almost a month and had 5 folks asking me where i bought it.. my aunt even wanted to buy it from me. i'm like.. hayle nawwwwwwwwwww. mom asked why i did not buy one for her, i'm like.. uhhh u really like this?

anyway, i just came back from a short weekend away with mom, aunt and my cousin. we spend four days in batam island staying at the holiday inn for 1 night cuz my cousin too cheap and we end up staying at a friend place the rest of the stay. sigh. no i did not enjoy that part of the deal. the holiday inn was a nice place to getaway from folks but the beach sucks majorly. so next time i need to runway from folks i know where to head out.

my cousin and i treats ourselves to a head to toe spa treatment, facial, medi and pedicure, wash and blow hair, since we did not have enough time to have deep hair treatment. treatment started from 10.30am and lasted till 4pm. yes that's the life i wish i have on a monthly basis. cost of the whole head to toe thingy.......... S$120. CHEAP!! CHEAP!! CHEAP!!!!!! back in spore the spa treatment of 60mins will cost you S$150. so yeah cousin and i will try to find a time to do it again next month or so whenever our work schedule allows.

we had seafood for dinner consists of 2 chilli crabs, 2 plates of bbq stingray with hot sauce, hot plate tofu, kai lan vegies, prawns and bbq squid.... it only cost us S$60. whooo hoooooooooo!!

overall, i did not shop for myself when we were at the local malls. i like to shop at my own phase but when you have 4 others tagging along and breathing down your neck, that takes the fun out of it.

so i came back empty handed when i wanted to shop for fake brand handbag. yes... they have really nice fake good of quality. shot, i bought a fake lv coin purse the last time i was there folks thought it was the real thing.

anyway, i hope i get to escape there soon for another spa treatment, for i truly deserves it!!

Another hallmark day...

2009-05-10T00:49:00.002+08:00

its 1248am sunday as i'm writing this post.

its mother's day and everywhere you see there's a reminder to every child much pain and labor your momma had to endure just to give you life.

sigh.

am i a bad daughter because i stop buying her gift on mother's day. instead i gave her money. it don't cause me any headache, stress and the *OH WHY YOU WASTING ON BUYING ME STUFF. DON'T KNOW WHEN I'M GONNA USE THIS* remarks each time. so to stop myself from getting piss and felt as my *gift* is not appreciated, i took the easy way out and give her mulla. she can choose what she gonna do with it. it's practical, she has a little bit more and i be broke but we both be happy.

i hardly bring my mom out for mother's day celebration, as every family with mother will be doing the exact same thing. i'm just trying to avoid the crowd, bad service and less appetizing food. well except for last year when i took her to a swanky lunch at 5 star hotel. even than i was disappointed after it cost me an arm and leg, the dam hotel can't even gift a stock of rose or any kind of token to the mothers. so i vow not to bring her there for any commercialized occasion.

today, we had lunch at my cousin's place and they (bless their hearts) decides to throw a surprise mother's day gifts to both my aunt and mom. now, they have individual cupcakes and perfumes. now me, i came empty handed unprepared and yes, pretend like its no big deal. but it makes me feel like an inconsiderate idiot, while cousin was busy distributing the gift around. you see, i have plan.. yes to give mom money on mother's day on sunday itself. but now, i felt like i have to come better after all the *excitement*. on the ride home, i slip my aunt a small token for mother's day cuz i felt embarrassed.

sigh.

but what really bothers me about mother's day is the fact, that i am not one. it saddens me. i smile and laugh but inside is a longing that i know will never be fulfilled.

i wanna fly awayyyyyyy

2009-05-03T13:01:00.003+08:00

i'm trying to plan a trip with mom. my leave is already confirmed. but i have no where to go sigh....

it's going to be a surprise trip for her. i also ask my cousin to come along. there's going to be 4 of us. we planning to go from 16 - 19 may (cuz thats the only date she can go).

i'm planning to go penang with free and easy package. i pretty much got the hotel source out, but not sure if my cousin agrees to the pricing. so i'm keeping that on the radar. the budget flight is not available. and the rest is too expensive. and no i don't feel like travelling in bus for the next 10hrs and leave butt print on my seat. i'm stressing out. my cousin expect me to do all the work in sourcing out the details, which sucks (yes even though i invited her to come along, but work with me mayneeeeeeee....).

she suggested we go to a resort island, which is fine by me but i don't think it would be fun for both mom and aunt. reason i wanted to go penang, it gives us both, beach and places of interest to see. i hope we come up with a plan. i need to get away real bad.

ahhhhhh neeeddddddd to goooooo awaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.....

do you need 39 friends?

2009-05-01T14:43:00.003+08:00

i was reading a local magazine which according to the article if you have 10 friends or more, you be the HAPPIEST person. in the long run, women supposed to have 39 friends, while men need 49.

now, i'm thinking and counting and realize i have less than both my 10 fingers combined. so, does that makes me a miserable hag? do having more friends makes you popular and happy? well i guess it does to some. to be always in demand for events, parties, get together must be nice. but than again, how many of these folks can you truly called A FRIEND? you know what.. this is my take in having so many friends...

the more friends you have, the more bitching and back stabbing there going to be. the more pretentious, oh lets kiss air when we meet. when they want to finds out whats going on in your life its not because they truly interested or sincerely cares for, but more interested to find the dirt to bitch about it to someone else within the same circle. there's too much drama but than again some folks can't live without being the drama queen. okay okay so maybe this just base on my personal experience... hee hee.

now having said all that, no at this point and age in my life, having less friends don't makes me a miserable person. it means less complication, less misunderstanding and more quality friendship, even if it means i only have 1 friend. it don't takes a lot to makes me happy, i can write list of things that makes me happy but that's really not the point of it.

i guess what i'm saying in my own words and thought is.... i can easily be happy and easily be upset, its a balance of both things. no one is happy 24/7 unless you been sniffing on coke and seeing purple haze all day .. uhh... yeah.. u be freaking happy. so no i don't need to be surrounded by 39 friends to make my existence happy... cuz at the end of the day... its up to me to makes me happy =:O)

(while writing this post, i'm just contented. but than i remembers the box of chocolate from hawaii cooling it my fridge.. i have a dam big grin on my face.. so yeah.. i'm happy).

ohhh you know this and that...

2009-04-24T23:35:00.003+08:00

next month i will be celebrating my birthday.

i don't feel old... no really i don't. you don't believe me? faserious (ok i made up that word) i don't feel any different today or when i was 25. is that a good thing or bad? am i supposed to feel any different simply because numbers getting adding up on a yearly basis. i wonder if that's a sign of immaturity....oh well, who gives a flying cow!! i always told folks who asked me, how old are you? my replied. i'm 30 full stop. period. well it used to be i'm 25 full stop!! my better sense decides to add the extra 5 years since i step into the big 4.

i wish i be traveling on my birthday like i did last year. but financially, it's tight. dammit, who am i kidding. since i'm the sole earner, IT'S BEEN DAM TIGHT FROM DAY ONE. buttttttttttttt... i'm counting my blessing.. yes i do. i may not *read* like it, but ohhhh trust me, i do cuz mom never fails to remind me... and oh yeah.. and mr tennessee, too...

now him...sigh i don't even know where to begin... so i'm not heading there.

i been spending money on...

food. to be exact..... VEGETABLES.

yeah you heard me.... i been faithfully eating salads, that kak ros gave me a nickname.. THE GOAT....lmao.

darnit, vegetables ain't cheap. plus the salad dressings, nuts, fruits. i mean you have to have varieties and you just can't go with the same salad dressing every single day. i'm still looking for my dam raspberry vinaigrette. the local grocery don't carry *fancy* dressing.

with all the vegetables i been eating, you would have thought i be running to the dam scale to measure my weight. well let me tell ya... i been avoiding that curse machine like the plague!!

now if only i can fit back in my size 12 work pants...

oh lovely days...

i'm not feeling you rite now

2009-04-19T16:23:00.003+08:00

can't believe its been more than a month since i last post anything. nothing fantastic going on in my life just the usual so so... work been tiring. boss been a pain. folks been on edge. lots of cussing going out (mostly under their breathe) and eye rolling. i hates office politics. i'm not good at it and i end up being blunt at times. arghh...

and yeah me and ice tea had a lil fallout. but here the thing, he still don't get it why i'm piss, hmm well more upset than piss. when i tried to explain to him how that email affects me, he just brush it off, like its a dam flake. this is why when i cared for someone, i end up getting the sucky end.

twice he been here and both time we don't meet up cuz i don't feel like playing nice. he going to be here in may and both of us playing it cool. like its not going to bother us if we don't meet up. but the thing that i hated most resulting from this is the friendship *threats*, the last time he spoke to me. saying things like if i'm done to walk away...

i don't like *threats*.

Where can you be...

2009-03-07T20:10:00.003+08:00

i have an illegal squatter living right outside my apartment. a tiny yellow breasted bird decides to built a hanging nest on the plastic plant right next to my door. yeah.. plastic plant cuz both me and mom don't have the green fingers... hee hee.

she built her nest slowly and patiently, till it form a cozy little resting place. i never seen her, till one day when i came back from work, thought i saw a sharp beck protruding out from the nest. i had to look closer just to be sure of its occupant. there she is, all quiet in her own world. i was too excited i ran in the house, came back with a little bread, poking it near her beck only she must be shaken up by my sudden present that she flew away. but, each night after that, she will be resting in her hanging nest, hardly moving, asleep not bothered by me opening and closing my door. seeing her there on a nightly basis, gives me comfort. sometimes, i wonder what her day was like...

one evening, when i came back from work, i found a dead baby bird on my doorstep. not sure if its belong to mama bird (for reason it seem she not in her nest), i picked it up and buried by the potted plant. the next morning, she came chirping away. mom thinks she's looking for her missing baby... sigh... i feel sad for her.

one weekend, when mom and i came back from shopping, i would have sworn i saw small baby bird in the nest (momma bird must be out looking for food). excitement gets the best of me, i left tiny pieces of bread near the nest, while all the time thinking the nest looking so fragile i was afraid it will fell off with all the new weight in that small nest. so i decides to outline the hanging nest with a first aid gauze just to prevent it from falling off. i was pretty please with myself. i thought momma bird will be pleased too. the next day, as i was being nosey thinking i be seeing the baby bird in there, only to find momma bird looking back at me and flew off the nest. she must have felt i was going to harm her. each night i came home, i was hoping to see her tiny beck protruding out from the nest only to see its empty. she's been gone for more than 4 days now...

i miss my yellow breasted friend. i wish she come back. i want that comfort of knowing she is safe. all i wanted to do was taking care of momma bird and her baby. i hope she come back soon....

Keeping the Faith...

2009-02-22T21:28:00.004+08:00

sigh....

had my appraisal last friday. i have good work etiquette (according to him) but i get *excitable* to put it mildly by my bossman......lol. i need to work on my temper. yeah folks at work piss me off sometimes. not so much folks but one in particular. but than again... i'm not the only one who feels that way. anywayyyyyyy...

this global economy downturn is making everyone edgy. me including. we heard our main head office is already cutting folks off. feeling uneasy is creeping up the office. i know YOU hear me, i don't want to go through what i have already gone through before. please keep me safe, that's all i'm asking from you...please...

Amin...

V Day

2009-02-14T14:40:00.004+08:00

sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo it's valentine day.........

AGAIN!!

like every other year, i'm by myself.
yeah so what
it's not the end of the world
i'm not going to get depress
cuz no one buys me dozen of roses
they going to be dead anyway
and stinking up the house
no one buys me box of chocolate on V day
HECK I BUY MYSELF BOX OF CHOCOLATES
hmmm nope....
i'm not going to get depress
cuz i have tub of mocha caramel nuts ice cream to ease my pain
yeah try to beat that
you suckers commercialized nut head out there dining and wining
and you know you going to end up with 10 bucks in your bank account
me
i'm going to sit right hurrrrrrrrrrr
chillin like a villain
with my ice cream.

WHOA i feels so much better now.

(throw darts on cupid.... hope you drop dead).

2009-01-31T22:53:00.004+08:00

throughout my adult life, i realize i've never be the first to confess being in love with a man till he said it first. i will than re-evaluate how i feels about him. is my feeling towards him genuine or am i saying it because i'm afraid to be alone. if i don't say it, will he gets upset and accused me of leading him on....

when i finally do said i'm in love, why does it never leads to happy ever ending. where did i go wrong. getting broken-hearted is no fun. i grieved, get angry and at times denial. but after a period, slowly my heart heals until the next one comes along and said that magic words that makes a woman heart flutters and warm sensation runs through her body. i be on guard, an invisible wall will rise for i'm not sure if he really do loves me. how can someone said he loves me and than changes his mind. i don't take falling in love lightly. it takes a lot of work, emotion, patience, understanding and acceptance. maybe that's why i've never said i love you.... cuz i'm afraid i get hurt all over again.

my cousin sent me this quote:

'God determines who walks into your life.

It is up to you to decide who you
let walk away,

who you let stay, and who you
refuse to let go.'

something to remember by...

Searching...

2009-01-25T23:51:00.004+08:00

i met up with an old school friend yesterday. we went to watch brides war, a nice chick flick, shop a little and end up at mc donald for burger. i'm gonna called her hotmoma simply because she's mom to 2 teenagers, been singled for 4 years and don't look nothing like a mom with 2 kids.

while munching over fries, i asked her if she ever going to fall in love again. without batting her eyelashes, she said after going through what she been through, there is no good man out there. i was quite surprise by her answer for i was sure she going to say yeah. she told me a recent incident that's taken place at work. it seems her married male colleague whom on occasion she had lunch with seems to behaving differently in tone and manner. she's feeling uncomfortable but not wanting to jump the gun, not sure how to go about it.

she than wonders whatever happens to another one of our school friend, if i ever kept in touch with him. i finally told her that we dated on and off for more than 7 years, after we left school, she said i should try and called him, i was like whatever for??!! i don't want to call him only to have his wife answer the phone. for all i know he's married with 4 kids...lol. but hotmoma said, next time we meet up, bring his digits along and we both called for old time sake reunion between friends. guess i don't see anything wrong with that, i just don't want to do it by myself.

the funny thing was, back than i thought he was the one for me. in my heart and soul he was the right one. i can be myself and comfortable when i was with him. but it was not meant to be. i was brokenhearted, cried my eyeballs out and declared men as evil....lol.

hmmm.. i still think there bunch of them out there are....

evil.. evil men that is...

what a woman needs to do to find faith in love again...

New Prez In History

2009-01-20T22:59:00.005+08:00

i rushed home hoping and praying my tv for once have pity on me and today of all day i needed to have visual as i wanted to watch obama being sworn in. no such luck!! i gave it a gentle knock, a shake and still it refuses to entertain me.

sigh.

thank gawd my ol laptop is not failing me right now. i had to warm it up a little and finally it comes to live..yessssss... cnn online!!

as i'm typing this, i'm waiting excited to watch history in motion. feeling the obama fever sweeping through eventhough i'm no where near and staring at a dam screen, still it feels right. i'm so going to sleep late, trying to watch as much as i could and i know i'm going to be groggy in the morning, hope i wont oversleep.

there so much putting into this man. everyone, all over the world hoping for a change. only time will tell...

i'm feeling all sentimental...

Domestic Goddess... I'm NOT

2009-01-18T14:37:00.002+08:00

things i need to do:

1. throw away old magazines or recycled them to office or friends.

2. clothes that i have not worn for the past 2 years, since *cough* i'm growing *cough*, should be donated to the needy. i have wall to wall wardrobe fill with stuff that i don't even know i own till i rummage through them.

3. shoes that have worn out, only place it belong is the rubbish bin. i don't care how comfy it is!!

4. throw away old bills that seems to be accumulating on my desk and files that is relevant.

how i wish i'm a real life bree hodges. my house will be so in order and spotless you can eat off the floor. not a dust in sight, not a furniture out of line and all my pillow will be fluff and puffy. i'm not saying my house is a mess, its can do better. since i'm not a domestic goddess, i guess all that stuff i just wrote in points will have to wait till my mood strikes. and i rather de-clutter, spring clean my mess when mom not around cuz she gets on my nerves about what i should do with MY STUFFS...

eg. old clothing, like who i should give it too and why i'm throwing out, that and that and this... sigh.

so i'm hoping she will visit my uncle over this coming long weekend and i be domestic without her breathing down my neck.

8 January..

2009-01-10T21:59:00.003+08:00

I'm remembering the first time you thought me how to color the *right* way, within the supposedly picture and not all over the color book. I remember how you took my hand and patiently guide it with smooth glide as the color comes alive and the apple look green like it supposed to. I was only 6, my hand so small, kept warm in your big palm, it felt good. We both smile when we finished coloring our first picture.

I'm remembering the first book that you bought for me, a hard cover Nancy Drew which I still kept till now. Never do I want to part with it. I remembers the time we were out for a walk and we came across a local bookstore MPH, at Stamford Road. It was a huge book store and I literally beg you to go in and you said I could only get 1 book. I never know than that money was tight but you still let me wander in and bought me Little Women, which unfortunately for some reason I can't remember, I seem to have lost the book. Thanks to you, I love reading and it became an addiction.

There's too many fond memories that you bring in my life dad, I miss you and I'm sorry I did not write to you on your birthday... but I never forgets.

Love always,
your daughter...

Do Not 4ward ....

2009-01-04T22:25:00.005+08:00

its only the 4th day in a new year and already someone testing my patience. have you ever wonder why someone bothers to retain your mobile phone but hardly calling or even texting, but out of the blue find the time to forward you *smses* not so much with a hello???!!!

for the past 2 days, i been receiving such text messages in regards to the plight of the middle east conflict asking for prayers for safety and such. which is fine by me, as i don't have to wait for such text messages to offer my prayer. what erks me about this particular sms from an ex colleague was first of all, she don't keep in touch with me, not even through sms unless when i send her one. out of the blue, she FORWARD me text that have been going around and at the end of that text indicated ITS MY DUTY TO FORWARD IT TO 10 OTHERS. i'm like what the eff!!!

this don't sit well with me, so i replied and said, thanks for the good intention, but please don't forward me chain sms. well what do you know, she replied back and said, its not chain sms as nothing bad will happen to you. i answered, NOTED, but if i wish to forward any sms it will be of my choice and not one where I'm told I have too. hmmm.. maybe she not liking me right now....

i hope she deleted my digit from her mobile...

Looking Back..

2009-01-03T21:01:00.004+08:00

Looking back in 2008, I have been blessed. I have a job, roof over my head, food on the table, clothes on my back, mom's health been maintaining, I'm healthy (well I like to think so), I went to Turkey on my birthday. I'm able to spend time with my families. Lost couple of friends, while maintaining close ones.

No one is without problems, debts, daily issues to deal with. We all have our share of trouble times and misgivings. We dealt with them in best way we know how and at our own capacity.

What else can I ask for, maybe .....

love.

My Wish..

2009-01-02T09:44:00.002+08:00

As we usher in the new year, I hope and pray that we become a better person with compassion in our heart, understanding of others suffering and love for others.

Oh well, i will try...

and please God give us peace on this earth, i know you hear me...

and to everyone else, may you be bless with good fortune, love and happiness.

Sin @ Midnight

2008-12-17T12:54:00.005+08:00

this has been the most tiring week and its going to be this way till end of 2008. i'm exhausted every night coming back from work, eyes glazed, mind blank, falling asleep in the bus ride afraid i miss my stop and walking home like a zombie.

the most frustrating part was not able to go to sleep when i hit my bed but dozing off while watching tv on the sofa. my eyes be wide open staring at the ceiling, cursing and counting sheeps at the same time.

last night 10 mins past midnight i did the ultimate sin. the mother of all no. no snacking after 8pm. but who the hell lives by that rule??!! i ate 1 pack of kettle chips sitting on the floor of my bedroom, my hand goes on auto mode and my eyes just dreamy when i tasted the honey dijon chips. by 1 am, my eyes still wide awake and i'm cursing cuz i have to get up 5 hours later and start my day. i'm so tired this morning, i end up dozing off in my bus ride and the train.

i can't wait for the weekend to be here, all i want to do is sleep!!! if my mom just leave me alone that is.

sigh....

ps: in my defence, i have not had potato chips for almost a month. yes its a record in my book of craving.

ppss: i need to have more perseverance and stop eating chips, just like i stop drinking all the frizzy drinks. which i have no recollection of how that happen.

pppsss: if the chips are baked and trans fat, does it makes it more healthier and less guilt?

There Will Be No Forgiving

2008-12-06T23:35:00.003+08:00

i have the sudden anger in me. i felt betrayed by someone i have given my trust and friendship. someone who i at one point i consider part of my family. i can't even type her name out for fear that i start cussing it out.

don't ask me why today of all day this anger starts mounting up. maybe because its her birthday and yet i texted her and wish happy birthday and many more to come. but no reply came from her. maybe she just dismiss it. maybe she changed her number. maybe because of that, the anger that i have so long push aside, rise in me like the waves of the ocean. maybe because she lied to me. maybe because i felt she stole from me. maybe because she have not been honest with me. but whatever it is, it seems clear now that she trying to avoid me and pretend whatever has taken place, never taken place before. i'm upset and angry. i'm upset to a point i start tearing up writing this. i don't want to waste this tears on someone like her, but yet, i can't stop it from streaming down my face.

i thought i dealt with this silently, internally, trying to be the *bigger* person and forgiving. but i'm not going to lie. i can't forgive her, not now, not ever. it hurts too much right now. i want to be the adult, but how can i be when i'm feeling all this anger towards her. i'm sitting here remembering friends that comes and goes, but i can't fathom why this incident hurt me more than others. you the wise one.. tell me..

in all my anger, i hope she be miserable for a long time and get the same treatment as how she has treated me. i doubt she thinks about what she done, she go on with her life, no guilt, no remorse, non whatsoever. i know its wrong to feel this way, but excuse me while i'm venting out. i needed to let this out its been festering inside of me for too long. i don't want to be this unkind because i know i'm not. but i just can't find in me to forgive her for not taking responsibility on her part. i admit my stupidity at trusting her but if only she had been honest with me, which i felt she has not. that's why i find its hard for me to forgive, forget, to let go. for she don't' deserve it...she lied, stole and betrayed.

i'm sorry, please don't think bad of me, i had to let it out cuz its killing me inside and i know you understand.... or maybe not.

to err is human to forgive is divine? ahhh fu*k that.

Sigh..

2008-11-30T14:58:00.006+08:00

I am disturbed that the fatwa council in malaysia has declared that yoga is not to be practiced by Muslim. The chanting that accompanied yoga could lead to *losing of faith* among Muslim. The first time I read that, I was mad... mad as hell. I was like who the hell is this bunch of tight ass to tell us we can't practise yoga. Don't they know that yoga can be done without all the chanting and that only comes to someone who are already practising yoga in a much advance states. Most of us who does yoga was more for stretching and flexibility exercise, now it seems even the basic yoga is not encouraged cuz they afraid it will lead something more *sinister*. I'm glad i'm not living in malaysia or a malaysian for that matter cuz it seems as if the council felt the malaysian cant think for themselves but need to be spoon fed on what is right and wrong. jeez....

I am pissed at the current event that has taken place in India. Innocent people lost their life cuz a bunch of mofo decided upon a terrorist act and attacked couple of hotels and other prominent places, resulting in hostages and dead folks. I am pissed cuz I wanna know what possessed them to do such an act cuz if one of the alive mofo going to declare they doing it for they believed they going to heaven to meet all the dam virgins, I hope someone send him and his posse straight to hell!! Who the eff do these mofo think they are to play god and take away life juz because they feel their cause is justified, juz because their life is that eff up!! Arggghhh!!! I'm so tired of reading the paper and watching the news and seeing nothing but dam mofo blowing themselves up in the name of god. Eff each and everyone of them!!

I'm puzzled at a 24year old colleague of mine who declared SHE'S OLD!! For the love of gawwwdd!! If you're ol.. what the hell am I??!!!! Ancient??!! Antique?!!! Over the Hill?? I came to work one morning remembering its her birthday and teasing her about it. I sang 2 verse of birthday song and mind you..I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO DID THAT and to hear.. OHH GAWDDD I'M OL!!

Dammit I'm cough *__* cough but I don't feel my age nor do I act my age, meaning I have more spunk and free spirited than she ever will!! And please don't tell me to ACT MY AGE. Am I supposed to be acting *old* and be all sombre and *adult* and knowledgeable. Shit, there are still things out there in this huge universe I have no clue about. I know when I need to be serious and I know when I can act all crazy, cuz I'm not hang up and being tight ass about the number. I swear I juz I wanna shake her body like a dam doll and scream WAKE UP AND ENJOY THE MOMENT!!

And what this I been reading that michael jackson a Muslim now???!!! Why, why why and I find it hard to believe. Was he doing this to avoid future *problems* with his ass being drag to British court by the rich sheik? That he supposedly being a Muslim will some how generate a compassion feeling from the sheik. What will he do next to stay relevant in the public eye. Why do I have a feeling that none of his kids are HIS KIDS? Have you seen those kids, they look STRAIGHT UP WHITE!! Oh come on don't tell me, the thought never cross your mind. Those kids going to need lots of therapy in the future.

Sigh... that's all the pent up I have for the week...

While We Breathe, We Hope

2008-11-06T13:33:00.007+08:00

a new chapter has begun and the people has spoken and obama is the new prez of usa. i wasn't aware of his winning till i came back from lunch on nov 5 (nov 4 evening in states), only to notice the tv at work was tuned in to bbc and the announcement was made. i was happy, don't ask me why.. but i was happy. maybe because i been watching and trying to follow the whole prez race more out of curiosity. at times, i have doubts he can make it, when you're reminded of *robbing* the votes in previous elections. it must be a very proud moment for the african americans for all they have endured to reach this historical stage. i'm happy i can witness this moment.

ice tea and i went out to our dinner celebration only to be rob of being charge $15 (US$12) for glass of ice tea!! the poor man has 3 glasses...lmao but i guess it don't matter cuz he was celebrating, to quote him *happy days are here again*. guess we won't be going back to that joint any sooner.

i was surfing the net and come across these pictures, it spoke volumes.

an old man wept as he watched obama accepted the democratic nomination.

obama talks about his late grandma, nov 3rd.

well, now the world will be watching and waiting in anticipation for him to fully take over from the current prez on 20 jan 09. hopefully, it will be for the better....

to quote the man himself - While we breathe, we hope.

yap, i'm going to do just that...

Gimme Ma Cuppy Cake!!

2008-11-02T21:56:00.004+08:00

ok am i the only one who wanted to squeeze sam's cheeks cuz i swear i will if he right in front of me. what can i say but this video gives me that warm feeling inside, put a smile on my face and i can't help but laugh.. not because he oversize for his age, but the cuteness of it all.

now this video on the other hand.. is so freaking wrong!! what the hell is wrong with this woman?!! its halloween and she won't gives out candies if the kids parent voting for obama. it seems she ask whomever that comes knocking on her door for trick and treat who they voting for. for the love of god... these are kids!!

she's living in detroit, wonder if her house get egged and toilet roll for her political conviction on halloween night.. hmmmphhh!!

Where I'm At On Halloween Night

2008-11-01T12:07:00.005+08:00

i'm trying to remember when was the last time i step into a local watering hole. 2 years maybe.. give and take....

last night, ed, lauren and myself went to checkout a stand up comedy. i was surprise thinking it was being held at a small drama club but it was held at a local bar known as *howl at the moon*. it felt kinda strange to step into one after a long period of hiatus... but it wasn't so bad. lots of whites, seems like a maturing crowd...nice.. till later when the much younger starts barging in. it was halloween night, quite a number of folks was in costume.

while looking for seats, i overheard a male voice saying "nice, finally a tall woman for me." i turn around wondering who he was addressing it to, only to realize i was the only tall woman at the time standing within close proximity. guess i was quite taken aback and not really sure how to react...lol. it seem he's the stand in mc for the night. quite a funny guy as he was warming up for the next act.

after the 2nd act was done, he approached me and ask if he can buy *this tall lady* a drink. i said i'm fine and thanks for the offer. we chat a little bit and told him the 2nd act sucks. we were actually told to sush up cuz we were *noisy*. i swear we weren't the only one yakking out of boredom from her performance.

than he said to me, it must be hard for you to find a man here. i asked why. cuz of my height, he said. i just smile and said i'm doing ok. he continues to say, well you can look me up on youtube and send me an email, perhaps we can meet up, you an attractive lady. i was taken aback when he said i'm attractive. take in mind, the lighting was low, it was pretty dark and after the 3rd drink im sure everyone looking dam good....lmao. i just said thank you and maybe i look him up.

i have not be in the dating scene for eons, that i swear i'm not sure what to do or say....lmao. its hard trying to have a conversation in a club and i always have this reservation about men in there cuz at the back of my mind... hmm.. another pick up line.. sigh.

anyway, i had fun. it was good company and fun, had my long island tea (yes, i lapsed) and by midnight i left cuz i can't take anymore of the band and their brand of music...lmao. white band caught in the moment of elton john and queen era. i love queen don't get me wrong, but i just wasn't feeling the band.

not sure when my next *clubbing* going to be.... so i'm just going to chill with my books for now.

ps: i did check him out on youtube out of curiosity... but i won't be emailing. i don't make friend with married man unless i known wifey first.....hee hee.

Need that rainbow connection

2008-10-29T17:42:00.003+08:00

i hate reading the paper lately.

no good news but economic depression.

be warned of folks losing job.

cost of living getting higher

except for my pay.

i need something to cheer me up...